Family Time, Games and Stacking the Deck

"Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules..." Ashleigh Brilliant

One of the downsides of the holiday season is how quickly it seems to pass. Parties to attend, presents to shop for and wrap, out of town guests to entertain and clean up for all the festivities. We rush and we toil and we spend time doing many things for people outside our homes. Giving our time is generally a positive experience if we see our energies blessing other people. But, what happens when our reserves our depleted and those we love most, our immediate family, get the short end of the stick? For too many holidays, when my daughter has danced in “The Nutcracker” and my son has had hockey games all over Maine, we’ve spread ourselves too thin. We go from one event to the next, barely catching our breath and chugging coffee to just get us to the point in which we can come home and collapse. It leaves our home celebrations to be low-key affairs. Low-key isn’t necessarily a negative thing, if that’s what we intend. But, if our time together is sporadic and exhausted, then our family holiday interactions will be grumpy and distracted.

This year, I’ve made a conscious effort for our family to remain cognizant of our time together, and to place our priority on one another, rather than on all the many choices pulling us apart. Now that my children are older, and my daughter goes to school out of state, this goal is even more difficult…but, it’s also never been more important. Our time together is precious and finite. I am both grateful for, and honored by, the fact that our teens have wonderful friends with whom they like to spend time. But, I’m also thankful when they want to spend time with us. I want to make these moments ‘count’. It’s tricky, however, to find the balance between actually making a difference in the time we spend together, and forcing it down their throats with “enforced family togetherness”, telling to them to “like it or else !”. Most parents of teens know that ‘togetherness’ is often a double-edged sword: we do spend time together, but the kids are straining to pull away. Or, the whole situation feels “forced”.

This is one of the reasons why I’ve taken a step back on my approach to family time. No more forced togetherness, no more “you will do this and like”…just figuring out what makes each of us “tick” and finding a way to feed that sense of enjoyment. For many families, board games are a great way to relax and have fun. In our family, however, competitiveness rears its ugly head too often over Monopoly or Sorry. My kids have even argued over spinning the dreidel! When my daughter was very young, we used to have the stack the deck playing “Candyland", or else there was hell to pay. She have to get “Queen Frostine” as a card she drew. That aside, my family loves to play cards. Everything from Pitch to Hearts to Poker to Spit, our family loves to use card games as times to laugh and enjoy ourselves. One of the aspects that I’ve enjoyed most about having ‘big kids’ now, is that they come home from school or camp or hockey trips having picked up new card games. For an evening that teen gets to be the ‘teacher’ and everyone gets to learn the new games they’ve picked up on the road. We have never made pronouncements, such “Now, Josh will teach us the game he learned in Quebec”. We just let the experiences unfold.

For my family, unwrapping a new deck of cards is a conversation starter. When we take a new set out of the box, it gives someone an excuse to say “Let me show you how to play International!”. It’s one of the reasons my mother in law gives us cards every holiday season. Each set is different, and I can remember different holidays by the different decks we’ve used. As we begin to play a new game, I realize how much my children have grown, and how much I enjoy learning from them. But, I can also still sink back into the memories of their small childhood, and the very first time I taught them how to play Crazy Eights and Uno. I remember seeing the wonder on their faces when they were down to one card and proudly called out “Uno !” the first time. Playing cards, for us, may bring out competitiveness, at times, but with cards in hand, it also seems to be a good time to talk…as we pick up and lay down cards, I can hear about their ideas, their thoughts, and what’s made them laugh lately.

So, this holiday season, take some time to play a game, one that has everyone sitting down at the same place, in the same time, but with the same frame of mind. For those reluctant family members, sit down with whomever you can grab. I’ll guarantee that, when the feet-dragger sees how much fun you’re having, he’ll want to join in too. Most of all, just enjoy the conversation that flows from your game.

But, don’t be too proud to stack the deck, if needed.