Miscommunication

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that you what you heard is not what I meant." Robert McCloskey

The quote above was written by one of my favorite children's book authors, Robert McCloskey. Mr. McCloskey was born in 1914, and spent much of his life not far from where I currently live on the Maine coast. He won numerous Caldecott Awards for his work, and was celebrated in both the Midwest, and his adopted home of New England."One Morning in Maine", "Blueberries for Sal", "Time of Wonder", and of course, "Make Way for Ducklings" were books that I treasured in my childhood. I was even more excited to share these books with my children. Yet, it's the quote above, that Mr. McCloskey said in the late 1970's, that has resonated with me in my adult life. Despite my memories of happy, peaceful scenes, and my beloved rocky shore, the sad fact is that every day I seem to find more and more miscommunication. People with whom I speak seem to have a completely different understanding than my own. My children believe I've said one thing, when I'm quite sure I've said another. My husband and I completely miss each other's points on serious issues. My friends and I find ourselves wondering if our feelings should be hurt, or if we have simply misread a situation or a particular comment. In short, Robert McCloskey's humorous take on miscommunication appears to be entirely appropriate for most of us, much of the time.

There are two sides to any misunderstanding: the misunderstood and the "misunderstander". As a constant talker, I find myself on both sides of this dilemma far too often. When my comments are misconstrued, I feel frustrated. I try to remember if I made my point with validity and clarity. I gauge if the receiver was simply not paying attention to my point, or if she had her own agenda. Finally, I simply retrace the steps of the conversation, word by word, as best as I can, to figure out where my own words were unclear. If I firmly believe that my intent was effectively communicated, I have to wonder where my listener could have gone astray. Was it my fault? Should I have asked if she 'got it' or is that condescending? It's a tough call, because as we communicate with another person, we want to respect their intelligence and abilities. We certainly don't want to treat our contemporaries like kindergartners of whom we require a detailed recitation of the directions.

In the same way, I have greatly misunderstood the comments, context, insinuations and ideas of others. Just as I cannot expect everyone to fully grasp my ideas, I have learned that I have much progress that needs to be made in my own understanding. Too often, I take a remark personally, that isn't meant to be hurtful. Or, I will believe a project is of lesser (or greater) importance on a team, misunderstanding the
urgency of it, or lack thereof. Without truly comprehending the point, I will make my own conclusions, which, inevitably, are wrong. This can be incredibly embarrassing. I would like to be seen by others as trustworthy, helpful, insightful and cooperative. But, when I am clearly not comprehending a situation, I can appear disorganized, lazy, unobservant and useless...simply by not clarifying a task, a comment or a goal.

What can we do to ensure better communication? I believe this question is the best beginning: by acknowledging any uncertainty and by asking questions. I would rather be asked a dozen questions, than to have my words taken out of context, or have a project veer off in the wrong direction. I would rather risk embarrassment of seeming uncertain than follow instructions that are incorrect. It's sometimes difficult to know when we're on the wrong path...on the wrong train of thought or following a misguided lead. If my instinct is starting to tickle my conscience, I make sure to slow down, try to ask myself if my own priorities are interfering with a solution, and then retrace back to the core of the problem. Better communication can also come with increased communication. Keeping team members abreast of developments, double checking facts before using them and keeping all parties informed can save a great deal of time (and trouble).

Of course, there are times in which we wish we misunderstood a person. Having had a remark directed at me, recently, that was incredibly rude and unkind, I know that there are instances in which better communication, or level of understanding, will do little to alleviate the sting. Yet, by asking a question to the ill mannered person, you also have the advantage and requiring her to explain herself. "What makes you feel that way?", "How did you draw that conclusion?", or even just "Really?", said with a big smile, can throw your opponent completely off balance. Rephrasing their question to you, or their comment to you, in the same words they used can be another way to insist upon clarification, rather than just allowing the rudeness to remain unchecked. This way, you are not standing for the nonconstructive drivel, but are placing the onus on the speaker to explain themselves...and all in the name of better communication.

I am only a novice on the path of good communication. I have put my foot in my mouth up to my ankle. I have gone running with a work project in completely the wrong direction. I have gone to meetings on the wrong day, but the correct time. I have missed appointments. I have shown up when I was not expected. In truth, my own journey towards better communication will be a lifelong one. I hope by asking better questions, by listening carefully the answers, by considering all sides to a disagreement, and by basing my own answers on thoughtful facts, I can improve the way that I understand others....as well as saving myself from the painful foot from mouth extraction in the future.