Memorial Day

The legacy of heroes is the memory of a great name and the inheritance of a great example. ~Benjamin Disraeli


The last Monday in May brings with it Memorial Day...the day set aside to honor those Americans who gave their life in battle. For some of us, this holiday will feature parades of Little League teams, fireworks, floats, marching bands and spoken tributes. We might have backyard barbeque's or a day at the beach. For others, the day will be felt as a personal day of loss, remembering a husband, a brother, a sister, a wife, a son or a friend who was killed in the line of duty. For these families, Memorial Day will not mean a day off from school, a chance to try out new water skis or an excuse to break out the grill. It will not be about kicking off the summer season. Memorial Day will be a time set aside to remember their precious one, whose life was cut short far away. There is a dichotomy to Memorial Day that many people ignore. For those who have lost beloved family members, it feels awkward, and even distasteful, to celebrate. For those who have not, it feels a little unsettling to grasp that this day is about far more than a bank holiday.


I believe that Memorial Day has the potential to be both a day of jovial welcome to the summer season, as well as a time to honor the fallen heroes. Even if you haven't lost a soldier in your own family, it bears remembering that there are families in your own community that have been touched by war. Afghanistan and Iraq are both still very much war zones. Ours is a nation at war right now, at this very moment. Simply because one hasn't lost a brother in the fighting outside of Mosul ,doesn't mean we are unaffected by the ongoing hostilities. I can sadly promise that many of us know people who have lost someone, or who has someone currently serving. One of the kindest ways I believe we can reach out to the families of service people right now, is by not ignoring them. Because these wars have been ongoing and unpopular, there has been a tendency to look the other way at the families left here in the States. As a former Army wife, myself, I remember the long months of the First Gulf War, and living in Germany at the time. There were plenty of times I wanted to listen by the radio (as we didn't have Armed Forces television at our house in the countryside off post). But, there were other times, I would have loved to have been invited out....to have been invited to a party or a cookout to celebrate our courage and thankfulness. Yet, during times of trouble, people often like to keep their distance.


Our family was truly blessed. My husband's unit was fine, and although it was disbanded during the time of the first Gulf War, we were fortunate to have a strong sense of community among other military families. With our husbands away, many of the women in the wives' groups had rotating dinners at one another's houses, planned outings and just generally used one another in the buddy system to keep tabs on our well being. This was one of the advantages to being abroad already: we had a built in support system in place.


Yet, for many current military families, their husbands and wives have been called into active duty from the reserves, and therefore tend to live in their own houses, in their own neighborhoods, rather than in military communities. Because of this, many families can feel invisible. Even if a woman hasn't lost her husband at war, not seeing him for 18 months can feel like a lifetime, particularly if she has children. I've heard a military spouse of a deployed Army officer say that she feels as if she carries a highly contagious disease: people feel badly but prefer to wave from a distance...as if her 'bad luck' could possibly rub off on them. She doesn't know if her neighbors ignore her because they disagree with the war, if they think she must already have support or because they simply don't know what to say. While her husband is in Afghanistan, all my friend would like is to be treated normally, and included just as she would have been before.


It's my wish that we find ways to honor our military: the fallen heroes, those currently called away in service, and those heroes left at home. The quiet hero is the mom who tells her children bedtime stories about things their Daddy loved to do with them, even if the children can't remember going to the zoo together. The hero at home is the father balancing his work and his children who miss their mom so much, they cry at night. They don't understand why she's not a nurse at the hospital up the street anymore, but has to be a nurse on the other side of the world. The hero at home is the grandmother, raising her grandson to be proud of his parents, who are in two different places far away. The quiet hero finds ways to keep the pieces of the puzzle together when the edges are all missing.


There is a Greek proverb that says "In hospitality, the chief thing is good will." I urge my readers to take a few minutes and cultivate that good will. Think of ways to be inclusive to the widow who is remembering a beloved husband, killed in action 30 years ago. Try to put yourself in the shoes of the haggard dad, busy with his job and the responsibilities his wife used to take on ,before she left for active duty. Find ways to be there for the little ones who just need to laugh while running through a sprinkler. Bake a pie, and have a cup of tea, with a woman whose son is in an area currently under attack. Investigate programs to write to soldiers who have no one else to communicate with them. Good will, the intention of cultivating the best for others, should be at the forefront of our Memorial Day.


By all means, grill those hamburgers, and spend the day on the lake. Wave flags at the parade and eat ice cream from a cart. But, remember the people who have given their lives for this country...and those who are still giving of their lives every day. Then, step out of your comfort zone and enact that good will.

Manners matter

Not long ago I was dining in an elegant restaurant with my family, and our server had the most atrocious manners I could imagine. We were surrounded by beauty, luxury, style and a delightful menu of delectable selections. Yet, when our gum snapping waitress snubbed our table several times, and then barked at a subordinate to just 'get the damn order' from us, we were fairly close to leaving the establishment. We did stay, but carried on with the focus of soldiers in battle, just trying to make it over the next hill. Our drinks were wrong, and we were told *we* were incorrect in our order. Our meals were delicious, but smacked down with ferocity. No one seemed to care a whit if we were enjoying our overpriced-for-the-service evening. My husband even commented that we've had more conscientious service at a McDonald's drive thru. Regardless, the evening, despite wonderful food, was disappointing. This was not because of someone who was clearly overworked and was doing her best. The fiasco was a result of the de-apprecation of manners, common courtesy and even vague politeness in our society.

Ironically, the simple pleasantries of "please" and "thank you" are so underrused these days that I've met strangers who are amazed that my teenagers will use these terms. I have done no special parenting. The fact is, I've aspired to teach my children basic values of courtesy and respect, and but certainly have not enrolled them in finishing courses or charm school. I find it fascinating that what I consider to be the most basic of nursery school values have been reduced to the exception, and not the norm. But, why is this? Most people, if one asks, believe that good manners do matter. When I make eye contact, and ask for help, 'please', I'm regarded with appreciation and assistance. I know that we do live in a fast paced, quickly changing and unsettled society. But, can't the simplest acts of kindness bring a sense of civility to an otherwise angry world? If children can learn basic manners in preschool, or even from Sesame Street, can't they bring these skills forward as they near adulthood? Why do our expectations change?

In Yoga, it is customary to bow, and with prayer hands, wish one's teacher and one's classmates "Namaste". Roughly translated from the Sanscrit, this simple word means "I honor the light within you". It's a beautiful method of ending class, of showing respect and for 'seeing' your fellow yoga practitioners with open hearts. It's a way to say "until we meet again" that honors each other in a more heartfelt manner than "Later, dudes". Namaste imbues the close of class with civility, warmth and a wish of goodwill, as we all head out the door, to experience our lives beyond the yoga classroom. In short, it shows good manners.

What can we do, outside of the Yoga studio, to help forge good manners? I believe that we can set a good example in our own responses and in the way we treat others. If we create an atmosphere of superiority, anger or disdain around us, then it's not going to be surprising if that's the way in which we are treated in return. While we can't control another person's actions or reactions, we are far more likely to receive positive responses, if we ourselves are polite, respectful, helpful, understanding and agreeable. If we imbue our own sense of projected self with thoughtfulness, we will, most of the time, receive the same understanding. If not, we can only be responsible for our own behaviors. If we are met with truly rude people, does this mean we need to be rude in return? No, it doesn't. It means we can create a stop to the 'pay it forward' that often generates from another's mistreatment.

The woman who was so rude to my family at the elegant restaurant at the Bellagio may just have been treated abominably by a previous table. Perhaps she had a fight with an uncaring husband at home. While we'll never know what caused her hostility, we treated her politely. Who knows? Perhaps our lack of angry reaction to her poor service may have caused her to be kinder the next time.

To coin an old phrase, good manners cost nothing, but can repay you a thousand times over.

Present Presents

The holiday rush is upon us. I am amazed at the sales and deals to be had this holiday season. It seems as if almost every television commercial, radio ad, or flyer in the mail has to do with slashing prices on gifts for the whole family. I have talked to a number of people who got up as early as 4 am to be at the sales when the store doors opened on “Black Friday”. In this troubled economy, it’s not surprising that even more people than usual hit these ‘door busters’ the day after Thanksgiving. Our budget, like many, is stretched to the limit, and finding ways to save money on gifts is definitely important to me. However, whether we’re living in “bull” or “bear” markets, buying Christmas presents can tend to take on a life of its own. We get enticed by quantity over quality, and a great deal, rather than a great match. In our fear of ‘ruining Christmas’, we overspend, we overextend our stress levels and we buy too many things. Package after package comes home, and we don’t even realize that these impulse buys have taken on a life of their own. My worst habit is buying gifts early, when I see something that’s ‘perfect’, but then forgetting I have it stocked away, only to buy another item. Christmas can easily go overload…even for the best of bargain hunters and least materialistic, we can find ourselves surrounding by ‘stuff’. Yet, the ‘stuff’ doesn’t necessarily mean the perfect gift.

So, what is the perfect gift for someone ? Does such a thing even exist ? Or, is it a myth ? I do believe that presents we buy or we make with great intention are far more meaningful than throwing yet another thing onto the cart in the check out aisle. Being present in your purchasing (or in your creating) can make a phenomenal difference in how you ‘do’ the holidays. Instead of being so focused on ‘getting it now’, take some time to really analyze the person you’re gifting. Think of their loves, their tastes, their passions, their sense of humor and their dreams. Try to take your own ego out of the equation. There may well be a gift you think is hilarious or just amazing, but if it doesn’t fit that loved one’s OWN sense of self, then who is the gift really for ? Is it for you…to make you feel good, or is it meant to be meaningful for someone else. All too often we let our egos and our own personalities dictate what other people receive. This isn’t a crime, but it does show a lack of thoughtfulness because it means that our taste is “right”. It’s not about the other person. It’s about us. So, in honoring your giftees, think about them, and what makes them tick. Quite literally imagine yourself in their skin…how do you feel? Be fully aware and fully present in each decision you make about gifts. Don’t shop impulsively, and try not to do too much all at once.

Frenzied shopping is rarely thoughtful. Mountains of gifts can be daunting, and yet, that one simple gift, that shows our love and deep connection with another person, can mean a great deal to them. One year, I made my friend, Tammie, chocolate covered strawberries. I have never felt so blessed by anyone’s response to a present. I truly thought of her, what she would like, and tried to imagine her reaction. This was not an expensive gift to make, but as I made them, I remembered our conversations about her love of these treats, and I felt honored that her reaction was so heartfelt and real. Because of that experience, I have tried to truly imagine how another person feels when I pick out a gift for them. I remember memories we’ve shared and think of ideas that really seem to ‘click’. This isn’t to say I hit the mark every time! But, by being fully cognizant, less rushed and more thoughtful, we can truly make a difference in the way our presents are received.

In Yoga, we call to mind living in the present moment and honoring those around us. At the conclusion of every yoga class I teach, I wish my students “Namaste”, which loosely translated means “I honor the light within you”. I encourage my students to honor one another with this same greeting. Like “Aloha” or “Shalom”, it can be said “coming or going”. But, in honoring one another as we leave, we also honor the experience we have just shared and we call to mind being fully present for the rest of our day. Imagine cultivating that kind of thoughtful intention throughout our lives!

And, so as you begin the holiday shopping rush, take time to slow down. Appreciate those you love, and “honor the light within them”. Namaste.

(The wonderful Shiva Rae concluding a class with Namaste...)

The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention. ~ Richard Moss

The Lion and The Mouse

No act of kindness, no matter how small is ever wasted. - Aesop

Do you remember the fable of the lion and the mouse ? To paraphrase loosely, in Aesop’s tale, the mouse comes to the lion, who is roaring in great pain from the thorn in his paw, and removes the thorn. Later on, the lion saves the mouse’s life. It’s a parable for teaching us to practice “random acts of kindness” wherever we can, never knowing how, or when, these acts will catch back up to us and bless us in some way. It’s a wonderful idea to think about: a small gesture of kindness boomeranging around to create an even larger kindness to ourselves. Eastern traditions call this one arm of “karma”. Christians refer to the Bible verse from Hebrews, “Do not neglect hospitality, for through it some have unknowingly entertained angels.” This means that one must be diligent in the kindness you present to the outside world….and in doing so, you will be rewarded for your generosity, either spiritually or practically.

While these concepts are wonderful to think about, sometimes, they’re awfully hard to practice. After all, we don’t live in a fairy tale world. We have work to do, laundry to wash, dogs to walk, errands to run, bills to pay, children to ferry to activities and school, and all the messes to clean up. We are exhausted. Even going to a yoga class feels like work at times ! I had a wonderful Yoga teacher that lamented how all of his students were coming into class complaining, “Oh, I was sure I’d be late. Let’s get this over with…”, thinking of yoga as one more item to check off on the to do list. There are days when just being polite seems more than we can handle. How can we possibly cultivate kindness when we are rushed, harried, grumpy and worried ?

There is no magic that will transform us overnight from stressed out to blissful. We can pray, we can meditate, we can practice yoga or other forms of exercise than benefit our bodies and minds. We can get good sleep at night, and eat well. But, none of these things will take away our schedules. They’ll help us get a handle on how best to deal with the chaos, but they won’t transform our daily existence from neurotic soccer mom to enlightened being. I believe this is why so many people get frustrated and give up. I have had my moments of thinking, “I just can’t do this one more day. My kids are fighting all the time, I have bills I can’t pay, my husband is working long hours, one dog just threw up on the good rug and other one ate the sofa.” Not to mention that I’ve felt fat, ugly, stupid and ill equipped to deal with the realities of life.

So, what made me feel as if I could pull out that thorn ? In my very humble opinion, it’s with baby steps. I tackle one task off my list, instead of looking at the whole list. Instead of snarking at my children to quit fighting, I compliment them during the times they are kind. I tell my husband how much I value his working so hard to give us a good life. I walk the dogs and praise them for good behavior (and have the couch recovered). I address these issues inside my home first. I find that, when I am kind at home, little by little, the kindness is returned. The dogs benefit from the extra attention and are less likely to consume large pieces of furniture. The children see each other with new eyes. My husband feels honored and appreciated. I may not have pulled the thorn out of the lion’s paw, and I am quite certain I will never reach perfection, but my little acts of kindness at home seem to carry weight that does transcend our house.

Have I entertained angels unknowingly ? I don’t know…but I can hope. And, always have my best lasagne ready to go into the oven.