The Power of Beauty, Time and Perspective

Do I love you because you're beautiful,
Or are you beautiful because I love you?
~Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, Cinderella


I have always been a sun worshiper. I have reveled in the summer months. I've spent countless hours at the beach, allowing my feet to tickle their way through the top layer of hot, silky sand down to the cooler, submersed floor below, as if they had a mind of their own searching for buried treasure. Every poolside beckoned me and I used to spend immeasurable moments reading, laughing and talking before inching my way into the water. I've loved being on boats, and feeling the wind upon my face. I've even just happily wallowed in sunshine in my own yard,  gently rocking in the hammock, one foot trailing on the ground.


This love aside, something has obviously changed greatly for me: the way I look. I am thankful for the DNA that blessed me with a somewhat pleasant appearance. I never needed to make major changes or have dramatic makeovers. I was always self-conscious about my thighs, but then again, so are many women. I am one of those people, however, that genuinely enjoys eating healthfully and exercising, so staying in shape was second nature to me. The passage of time made its way across my face, but I was thankful for that bit...it allowed me to see the lessons I've learned. My "smile lines" were even a badge of honor, showing others that I had laughed far more than I had cried.


Following this most recent cancer surgery, my body has been left damaged. My scars are evident. My body's defense against this invasiveness of the surgery was to send "helper cells" to different spots around the trauma, leaving me with pronounced, but highly uneven, puffiness. I lost approximately 1/3 of my lower abdominal muscle, in which the malignant tumor has insinuated itself. One would think that this would make me concave. But, instead, it's as if the area is in rebellion at losing part of itself. My face is changed...more tired, older, careworn. My hair, still short from the biopsy, gave me nothing to 'hide behind'. My confidence in my appearance is at an all time low. I remain thankful at being here, but fearful and exhausted.


I had resigned myself to spending the rest of my life in "modest mom" bathing suits...the kind you'd see on older ladies who also sport flowered bathing caps. Both my own mother and my teenage daughter encouraged me not to change the way I approach my love of sunshine. They insisted I wear the same bathing suits I've always worn, and that, should I hide myself away in layers of spandex, it's as if the cancer has won regardless of my surgery's outcome. While in Arizona in March, I blissfully sat out by my mom's pool...no one seeing me but family. It was heavenly to feel the sun on my skin after such a long winter of pain, recovery and fear. I was slightly encouraged in the way I looked, and just that hint of a tan I gained made me feel much more like the 'old me'. 


So, bikini packed, I headed to Florida last week. My son was moving out of his apartment and getting ready to head home for the summer. I flew down to help him get everything organized and settled. In between trips to the UPS store and phone calls to the movers, I did have a couple of blessed afternoons by the hotel pool. For the first time since my surgery, I sat out in a bikini in front of strangers. 


Friends, it did not go well. There was a 20-something couple, drinks in hand, who saw me walk by as I neared the pool steps and snickered at me behind their hands. They'd look up and laugh a little more. This hurt me tremendously. My face flushed with shame and all my insecurities came rushing back, hurtling like a runaway stagecoach. My urge was to flee and hide indoors. Who was I kidding? I looked like a Frankenstein-ian experiment gone horribly wrong. I am a 45 year old lusus naturae. What was I thinking, wearing a bikini? And then, just before I grabbed my towel and ran for the safety of the pool house, I stopped. I took a couple of deep, measured breaths. Then I continued on my journey towards the pool steps. But, before I walked into the water, I turned and looked at the very young, very foolish pair who were laughing, and said, "Beautiful day, isn't it?".


And so it was.

Eternal Sunshine

A cloudy day or a little sunshine have as great an influence on many constitutions as the most recent blessings or misfortunes. -- Joseph Addison

There are many benefits to living in Maine. Our proximity to wonderful beaches, fresh seafood and a plethora of outdoor activities, ranging from skiing to sailing, are among those items in the "plus" category. Our relatively sheltered way of life and small town atmosphere create a safe place to raise children. While we're traveling and asked where our home is, people will sigh and picture lighthouses, deep forests, lobsters, blueberry fields and Andre the Seal, upon hearing our answer.The billboard slogan that greets visitors heading north on I-95 reads "Maine: the way life should be".

Yet, despite being able to go to LL Bean in Freeport 365 days a year, 24 hours a day, there is a major drawback to living in Maine: the lack of sunshine for a large portion of the year. Although we don't have to contend with the same shortage of daylight hours that my Swedish friends have told me about, we do have a discouraging lack of sunshine for more than half the year. Given our proximity to the ocean, as well as the northern tip of the continental U.S., we are often shrouded in darkness....from clouds or because of the calendar. The lack of sunshine is okay at first; we learn to create roaring fires in the fireplace, to snuggle under blankets and generally hibernate with the indoor comforts of prolonged coziness. After a while, however, the novelty wears very thin. I find myself sinking into my own black hole of grumpiness and anxiety. I forget how happy I can be in the magical, lyrical days of shining Summer and Autumn ablaze. Especially because we lack a true Spring season (we move from Winter to Mud to the Fourth of July), the desolate and disheartening gray seems to linger interminably.

Despite being a native Californian, I've lived in the east far longer than I did in the west. Yet, a large part of who I am, of what I need to be truly happy, lies 3000 miles away; the sunny skies of the southwest. When the winter blues turn toxic, I know that, for my own benefit, I have to slip away from Maine's foggy shores to rediscover the cheerful person I am. It's as if the low cloud cover not only encompasses my home, but my very soul. I forget to count my blessings. I have amnesia regarding the state of my spirit. I lose my zest and become a winter sloth. By traveling, I'm able to allow the parts of my personality, that I'm proud of, to reemerge. It isn't so much that sunshine creates my level of happiness or state of mind. Rather, sunshine simply seems to call forth the enthusiasm, the friendliness, the brightness and the merriment that has gone dormant. My laughter, so elusive in the depths of both emotional and seasonal, winter, finds its way to the surface once again.

So, what inspires me about the west? My east coast friends cite reasons why I shouldn't like it...the crime rate, the smog and the traffic. The high cost of living. The surface level judgment. Yet, I miss my home state when I'm not there because of many simpler pleasures; going outside to pick an orange or an avocado off the tree. Being able to sit outside, with a good book, in February. Basking in the warmth most days of the year. The generally positive attitudes of people around me who are accustomed to paradise-like days. The fresh foods. The ability to go barefoot and put my toes in the sand. These funny little actions do an extraordinary amount of good in my drizzle covered soul.

I've come to realize that one of my life lessons is to cultivate eternal sunshine within me, regardless of my circumstances. I need to find a way to keep the gloomy, Eeyore days of February and March at bay in my heart. I must discover a path that allows me to bask in the warmth and glow, that the west brings out in me, wherever I am. I need to find the 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' and my laughter, even in the midst of darkness. Yoga can help me with this. By maintaining my practice and classes, I can cultivate positive 'light'. Additionally, even when it's cold and dreary, I need to find additional methods to brighten my day internally. The one way that appears to assist me the most is helping others...by volunteering, by encouraging those who are suffering and by making a difference in my community, I feel the sunshine welling up within me. Even if I can't change the weather, I can certainly be the sunshine for someone else....and in doing so, perhaps I'll bring that light to my own heart, as well.

Sun Salutations

One of the greatest pleasures we can feel in life is the warmth of sunshine. The sun is vital to our health, to our spirits, and to our planet. If the Earth was further away from the sun, we'd freeze. If it was closer, we'd live on a scorched, lifeless orb. Our distance from the Sun is crucial to life as we know on it on Earth. The sun helps our food grow, it creates a temperate environment and a regulates the seasons, as we orbit around it. The sun provides our bodies with much needed Vitamin D. It's not any wonder that people in far Northern climates (like my own) crave the feeling of sunshine during the longest of winter months. When we go on vacation each Spring, I feel the sunshine in my first steps out of the airport and think, "Yes! This is just what I've been missing!". Sunshine is simply vital to our well being; body, mind and spirit.





Therefore, it's not surprising that the earliest recorded cultures, many of them exceptionally sophisticated, all worshipped the sun. The Egyptians had Ra, their Sun God, who was the supreme ruler over all. The Sumerians believed in Shamesh, and built temples to him all over present day Iran and Iraq. The Mayans, Aztecs and Incans all had complicated divinity systems based on their worship of their Sun God. In Asia, Tian Shu Zhu was the primary deity in the Ancient world, whose images were then blended and transformed into more contemporary Buddhism, Taoism and Hinduism. The Ancient Maori people in Australia called their own Sun God Tane. The most extraorindary aspect of all of these belief systems is how strikingly similar they are. It strikes me as quite remarkable that ancient peoples, years and miles apart, would create such vivid images and beliefs, without contact with one another. Literally every ancient people, on every continent had beliefs that were remarkably alike. While their rituals differed greatly, the underlying message of the Sun's importance to their very survival was key.



In Yoga, we practice a series of poses called Sun Salutations. While some groups have tried to label these asanas as sun worship, this simply isn't true. Sun Salutations are a physical manifestation of the sun's progress across the sky. They were developed in India to mimic the power, grace and movement of the sun, but not to deify it. Religious ideals aside, Sun Salutations are the backbone asanas of any Yoga practice, regardless of style. More restorative classes create gentle, peaceful arcs of movement, slowly working through the progression. Power Yoga classes will hold each pose for much longer and or will increase their speed to maximize the cardio benefit. Regardless of the tone of the Yoga class, the series of asanas remains constant, and a complete series can bring a sense of strength, flexibility, toning and focus to the practitioner. They are a wonderful way to begin a practice, or to simply begin one's day. While each asana on its own can offer tremendous benefits, it's both the complete series and sequence that can lead to overall good health and wellness.

If you live in a climate, as I do, in which the sun is often stealth, I recommend doing whatever you can to enjoy the sunshine when it's available. On cold days, put a comfortable chair near a sunny window and close your eyes to soak up the gentle rays. Even in chilly weather, bundle up and head out for a short walk. I'm not a believer in tanning beds, due to the skin damage. I believe that natural sun is much healthier, even if it's in small doses. So, find what you need to do, during the long, dark months, to get what little sunshine you can. Remember to exercise in ways that help boost your endorphins, and always appreciate the sun when you do have it.

Although we're into "Mud Season" right now (Maine's euphemism for Spring), just being outside and getting a little bit of early yard clean up down can feel magnificent. Just remember to wear both sunscreen and Wellies. Even mud can be a great reminder that the sun is melting away the snow!