Wedding Belle Blues

My 15 year old daughter and I have fallen in love with a television show. TLC's "Say Yes to the Dress" is a journey with several women, each of whom is on a quest for the perfect wedding gown. Some of these brides will choose a slinky, sexy number. Others will want to look like a fairy princess, with yards and yards of train in the gown. Some brides will be contemporary, modern and simply chic, while others will want to evoke an old fashioned air of womanly loveliness. To find dresses to fit each of these women's taste and appeal, they head to Kleinfeld in New York, and try on a variety of gowns. There are more than 30 bridal consultants working at Kleinfeld, and each one of these "happiness specialists" may meet with upwards of a dozen clients per day. What always impresses me about these consultants is their ability to find what the bride dreams of in a gown, and then does her best to make that dream come true. Sometimes this means the consultants will suggest gowns that are of a different style, or more often, a different price range, than the bride came in desiring. This usually has positive results. The brides will be utterly overcome at seeing themselves as their "dream selves" emerge in the mirror's reflection. The show is pure escapist fantasy, but it's also great fun, watching brides find the dress that will make them feel the most beautiful.

There are other episodes that make me very sad. Kleinfeld only carries the most elegant in their selection of bridal gowns. I do have to admit that these are stunning examples of art. Yet, I'm overwhelmed by the prices on most of these dresses. Please do not misunderstand my intent: I am not criticizing the makers of these gowns, especially since an enormous amount of time and effort are necessary to create each magnificent piece. Still, I wonder about spending $30,000 on one dress....is it really necessary? The vast majority of brides are not J-Lo. They do not have tens of thousands of dollars to spend on their dream gown. And so, they go into debt in order to pay for a dress that they're positive will make them the most elegant bride in order to guarantee the happiest start to their marriages.

Little girls dream of wearing a long white dress, walking down the aisle on their fathers' arms, and hosting a lavish party. These are wonderful dreams that most of us have had. I can vividly remember dancing around with a white pillowcase on my head, carrying a potted fern, and pretending to walk up the aisle. These are magical ways that many girls use their imagination. Still, when that imagination runs wild, girls grow up and truly believe that without a gown by Vera Wang, or Pnina Tornai, their weddings, let alone their marriages, are doomed. I find this both immeasurably sad and deeply disconcerting. A wedding should be a beautiful celebration of the joining together of two lives. It shouldn't have to be a method of bankrupting a bride or her family just to have to particular look.

One of the nicest weddings I've ever attended was that of my parents. I was in the unusual position of being their flower girl. My mom bought her dress (and mine) off the rack in New York, and we didn't hear the words 'wedding consultant' once. My father had the food delivered from his business, and it was simple and elegant. Music was provided by family and friends and the focus on the outdoor picnic in our own yard was casual and joyful. Since few children can be in their parents' weddings, I was fortunate to be with them as they took their vows before their guests. Although they had been together for a number of years before their wedding, this public declaration of their commitment stayed with me all of my life. I never viewed a wedding as an end, but rather of a continuation of a life already shared, and a promise to be there for another person, regardless of the paths life would take. My parents created a lovely wedding for my husband and me 22 years ago, and I wouldn't have changed a thing. My mother made my gown, my father set a budget, and we created just as special a day for me to begin my married life, as they had created for themselves 20 years before. At no time did I feel short changed that I missed out on wearing a big name. I wore a stunning gown, stitched with love for over a year, and was far more proud to wear a "Mama" original, than one that had been reproduced hundreds of times. The emphasis on our wedding was on our life together, not on the extravaganza itself. I feel incredibly blessed to have been a lifelong witness to what a true marriage partnership looks like. I also feel honored to have been my parents' guest of honor at their wedding.

I still enjoy watching wedding shows on television. "Bridezilla" makes me want to cringe and run away at the horror of some women's dreadful behavior. "Whose Wedding is it Anyway?" takes me into the fast paced world of a wedding consultant. Most of all, "Say Yes to the Dress" is simply great fun in a junky magazine sort of way. These programs are entertaining. They're not great art, but they don't need to be. I just hope the brides watching the programs understand that a wedding is far more than a dress...and a marriage is far more than a color scheme. Entertainment, imagination and daydreaming are delightful pastimes. They help us to dream big, to set goals and to create lives for ourselves. We just have to realize the method of how we make those dreams come true for ourselves says a great deal about our character. We need to set our intention to create the spirit inside our inner bride that will match our beautiful gowns. When we can behave the way in which we want to reflect, we'll have a much better chance of a successful marriage, than if we see our dresses as the only way to achieve beauty. We need to learn to 'act as we dress' and create lasting beauty that will far outreach our wedding day.

Women are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only when there is a light from within. ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Birthday Homage

"Duty, Honor, Country. Those three hallowed words reverently dictate what you ought to be, what you can be, what you will be." ~ General Douglas MacArthur

Elton John wrote "Your Song" for his beloved....wanting to share the very essence of who he was through a gift for which he had the ability. The Taj Mahal was built by Mugal Emporer Shah Jahan in memory of his much treasured wife, Muhmaz Mahal. Painters use oils and watercolors to capture the essence of their muses. Chefs create spectacular menus to share.Unfortunately, I lack all of these gifts. I'm completely tone deaf, and listening to me sing has been known to send even the most patient of listeners running away in terror. I have only successful built a wheeling cart, by following the instructions from the kit, and even so, managed to put it together with the trays facing upside down. I'm afraid I can only draw stick figures that would embarrass a preschooler, and my cooking, shall we say, is experimental.

Yet, for my husband, Jeff's birthday, I want to do something for him that I can do without his assistance: a tribute to all he's meant to me, and all I've learned from him. I will never be William Wordsworth, Walt Whitman, George Sand or Jane Austen. I do not possess the contemporary skills of Tom Clancy or Anita Shreve. I lack the brilliance of Earnest Hemingway, Mark Twain and F. Scott Fitzgerald. However, the one gift that I have been blessed with is a bit of ability to write. I believe that I began writing books before I could actually even entrust the words to paper. I am not special in this respect, but it's the one thing I believe I can do with a bit of panache, and a lot of honesty. Therefore, I trust my keyboard to take down the thoughts of thankfulness I have for Jeff's being who he is in my life.

Jeff, grew up in a tiny New Hampshire hamlet on top of a large hill. His parents are hard working, capable and loving people. Jeff learned from them to co

ntinue to strive for improving himself, and for standing up for his own beliefs. His journey led him to the United States Military Academy at West Point, where in his own words, he received an excellent college education, as well as other stuff...like the ability to jump out of perfectly good airplanes. The New Hampshire state motto is "Live Free or Die", and I believe this essence of Yankee commitment to freedom has been at the forefront of the man Jeff would become. He is not a blind follower; far from it. Jeff learned to innovate, to create, to think laterally and to find exceptional ways to solve problems. This has made him an asset to any team, both during his military career, and since he has been a civilian. Jeff combines a MacGuyver-like

ingenuity, with the persistence of scientist and the affable social skills of a seasoned diplomat. There is very little he can't do...and if doesn't understand something, he teaches himself how to overcome his uncertainty. I admire these traits in him tremendously because I'm generally the first one to say "to heck with it"....and leave said project in a heap. I have learned, from Jeff, that sticking with any task, no matter how challenging, has it own reward. I have learned that quickest isn't always best....but that the most attention to detail can be the key.

Jeff and I are polar opposites in personality, background and interests. He has the strong skills of the three athletic sport captain he was, and I fall down stairs more easily than walk them. Jeff likes meat and potatoes. I constantly am craving curry and sushi. He's from the country and likes sports, and I'm a city girl and love Broadway. In short, if an online dating service had existed 24 years ago, we never would have met. Yet, it is these very differences that have enabled us to grow and learn together. Because we were married at 22 and 21 respectively, we went from our parents' homes to dorm rooms to our own first place. We didn't know that our mothers would no longer be providing the service of magic laundry. We had no idea that the "Pay By" date on bills was not merely a suggested time frame. We had one pot and one pan, and lived on Macaroni much of the time, since it was one of the few meals I could make without burning, scorching, undercooking or otherwise ruining. Jeff never once complained.

I realize that my very nature challenges the levels of Jeff's patience to its very core. My lack of methodical procedures drives him to the edge of insanity. And yet, he exhibits a good natured sense of humor about everything from my driving to my erratic filing method. Jeff has gone above and beyond in being a good husband and father to our two children. He has shown integrity, courage, resourcefulness and has never lost his sense of humor. Living with me is always an adventure. Jeff finds himself exploring those peaks and valleys of my dramatic personality, and just reels me back in when I'm getting too far off course. I am exceedingly thankful to have a husband with whom I've learned to be a grown up. We have made mistakes along the way (don't ask him about the Christmas tree sagas), but we have both discovered that it's better to be kind than always right. We have found that a smile and a hug can diffuse an argument after a rotten day. Most importantly, we have made the commitment that we are here, no matter what, for one another. We have been through hell and back together. We have lost family members. We have weathered illness, job uncertainties and parenting fears. We are almost empty nesters now, and while it's a little sad to think about every school day with no children in the house, we do look forward to getting to know each other all over again.

Jeff, I just want to thank you for believing in me. As you know, I'm my own worst enemy. Thank you for being my ally, my supporter, my best friend, my comic relief and my jack of all trades. You are a tremendous man, and I could not be prouder to have shared the last two decades with you. I wish you the happiest of birthdays, and hope the next 45 are just as eventful. I love you.