Testimony

Anita Shreve has long been on of my favorite authors. Her insightful, poetic style has brought tears to my eyes because her writing is extraordinarily beautiful. Yet, she doesn't shy away from controversial subjects. Ms. Shreve, if anything, gravitates towards them, and makes art out of chaos and complexity. Her latest book, "Testimony", simply blew me away. As the mother of teens in New England schools, I was slightly hestitant to read this book, about a 'crime' in a New England prep school. Still, like Jodi Picoult's "Nineteen Minutes", the writing drew me into a story that might ordinarily frighten my sensibilities as a mother. "Testimony" takes a hard look at the boarding school culture, as well as the intricately woven tapestry of stories that, when viewed together, create an entire picture of what happened in a controversial event. Each character has his, or her, own perspective, and individually, the stories vary greatly because each character is in possession of his own 'truth'. And, yet, do any of us ever truly understand any situation, when we look exclusively at our own place in the story?

Every culture believes itself to be in possession of the Truth. We each have our own beliefs in how our own civilizations came to be and we believe that we possess our own stories. Not only that, but our version of the stories, we believe are the reality of the history of who we are. In pre-Colombian Mexico, the Aztecs believed themselves to be directly related to the Sun God. This wasn't just an opinion. This was the very basis of their belief system, and so ingrained in their thought processes, that it never occurred to them that there could be another way of viewing the world. When the Spanish conquistadors arrived in the Central America, the Aztecs did not believe the Spanish could mean them any harm. In fact, they welcomed the conquering Spanish as gods and fellow descendents of the the same belief system. Because the Spanish belief system regarding themselves as the superior culture, they believed that the Aztecs were were inferior, and that their history was meaningless, compared with the expanding empire, in the name of Christianity. The Aztecs, to the Spanish, possessed nothing of value culturally, and their worth---their stories--were meaningless. Once the Aztecs realized that the Spanish were not only 'not' gods, but meant them great harm, they did everything they could to protect themselves against the 'savage' Spanish army. Both sides, the Aztecs and the Spanish, had incredible points of their cultural history. The Aztecs were master builders, astronomers, artists and created a safe roadway system that was non-existant at the time in Europe. The Spanish were great explorers, scholars and educators. And yet, each side was engaged in a bloody battle over superiorty of a land that would ulimately become a blended culture. Neither culture, initially, saw validity in the other sides' stories, traditions and ideals. Both were accused (and guilty of) terrible atrocities. And yet, both were capable of enormous beauty.

Too often, in life, we forget that there is more than one side to a story...even to the stories of our own lives. There are the impressions of our parents, our grandparents and our cousins. There are the images of our friends and our teachers. There are our own faulty memories, and even the perspectives of those with whom we don't get along. When we begin to take honest stock of our own lives, it's deeply important to remember that our own point of view is not the only one available. When we can begin to look at the way others see us, even if it's not in the most flattering light, we can also begin to form more accurate impressions of who we are. By listening, rather than speaking, and by hearing, rather than glossing over, we can allow ourselves to take a deeper glimpse into the stories of who we truly, and authentically, are. In doing so, we can help direct our lives to the course we wish to steer towards.

When you look in the mirror, ask yourself who you see. Do you see a mother, a wife, or a friend? Do you see the girl you used to be, or the woman you wish you were? We are, none of us, an island. There are many people who can give testimony to our lives. What would they say? Would you be proud of their comments? Or, would you, shrink away, thinking, "That's what people really think of me?". Ask those who know you best for their honest impressions of you. Ask what you do do very well, and what you need to work. Use other people's perceptions to help you gain a well balanced insight into where you are right now. You can't move forward, metaphorically or literally, until you know where you are right now, at this very moment. But, by being willing, and open, to constructive criticism, you can gain a much richer picture of your 'true' life story...not just the one you create for yourself in your daydreams. By having an authentic picture, you can take stock, weigh your own pro's and con's, and then progress.

Most of all, this exercise will give a truly well rounded impression of the person who is most critical to your well being: you.

We do not deal much in facts when we are contemplating ourselves. But, we must learn to excavate. ~Mark Twain

Taking a break...

Because my personal disposition runs somewhere between lazy and sloth-like, the concept taking a break shouldn't be too complex for me. After all, my favorite state of being is in my pajamas, reading a book and sipping a cup of tea. Or, stretching and relaxing in a Restorative Yoga class can also be a place I'm likely to be found. Understandably, the idea of taking a break should be second nature to me. Yet, when it comes to situations that simply aren't working, problems that aren't getting solved and dynamics that are counter-productive, I tend to want to be the peacemaker. I try to be the "fixer" for my own life, and for my family. When conflicts arise, I don't shy away from them. I try to be proactive and productive. Fixing problems right now, at the very moment they're happening, seems to be so much 'easier' in the long run. I worry about letting situations fester. I also worry that I won't be able to relax in my Yoga class if I can't shut my mind off from dealing with a pressing matter.

However, there are times in which no amount of being a squeaky wheel, or a diplomat, will solve a problem. You do your best, you rally the troops, and you still are stuck in a precarious situation. One of the most challenging personality traits I have is that, after sloth, my worst habit is not being able to let things go when I wish there was more I could do. I want to fix, help, solve, mend, mediate, remedy, cooperate, comfort, push and intercede. I find unbelievably frustrating when I want to do the best I can to negotiate a situation, and I'm stymied in all possible outlets. These are the times that it's best to take a break, walk away, and save my energy. It's a concept I'm still working deeply on within myself.

One my favorite episodes of "Friends" is the one in which Ross and Rachel argue over whether or not they were "on a break". Let me be fair: their meaning of "on a break" was under contention. My own is without any resistance. Still, it's a laughable scenario, and I still have friends who quibble over who was truly in the right: Ross or Rachel. I also like the episode because it wasn't happening to me. I believe many people have felt that same sense of laughter at the farce and humor of the show, and still done a mental "Whew...glad that wasn't me". The sad part was that Ross and Rachel really did need a break from each other (two words). They needed time to think, to process and to just move away from the back and forth drama of their relationship.

How do we know when we really need a break, or whether we're procrastinating? I believe that, deep down, we really know when we need to walk away. Whether it's from a project that seems to have us bogged down or a relationship that's just not healthy, time stepped away can be used productively. When we're too close to a situation, we often get caught up in every word, every nuance and every syllable directed our way. When we can channel our energies into something completely different, we can then focus back on the issue at hand. At that point, we have gained perspective. We're not in the heat of the moment. We have been given a gift to have freedom to walk away from frustration. The real test of maturity is knowing what's worth fighting over, what's the best way to navigate through murky waters, and what matters are best when laid to rest. Hard as it may be to resist, we can't fix everything. We can't mend every broken relationship. We can't solve every problem. There are times that taking a break from stress can renew our energy and help us to think laterally of creative solutions to a problem. At other times, taking a break can help us to see the problem for what it is...and sometimes that means moving our lives in a different direction.

Even though taking a break can be seen as a cop out by many Type A personalities, I believe it's vital for those of us who feel as if we've transformed into hamsters on exercise wheels. I am not advocating leaving responsibilities, abandoning important issues or even dropping people from our lives because of a few bumps in the road. What I am suggesting, however, is that if a state of affairs seems to twisting itself up like a ball of yarn that's gone through the dryer, taking a break can mean seeing the circumstances with fresh eyes. Being able to look at any problem, without being a part of the problem ourselves, can bring us one step closer to the solution.

You got to know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away, know when to run. ~~ Kenny Rogers "The Gambler"

Predictions

February 2nd was Groundhog’s Day here in the United States. It’s the day that Punxsutawney Phil gets hauled out of his burrow and is required to see his shadow. Or not. And, based on this overblown and unscientific method, six more weeks of winter is either predicted. Or not. Given the fact that I live in Maine, where Spring is a stealth season, the point is actually moot. What does amaze me, however, is the amount of coverage this event attracts. It’s the hot topic in the news, on blogs, and even in schools. It was a movie, that’s cited each year as a marvelous story about “reliving events over and over until you finally get them right”. Not to sound like Ebeneezer Scrooge, but “Bah! Humbug!”. I am a strong believer in Christmas, and the Christmas message. I am a strong believer in the call to love others as ourselves. But, predictions based on a groundhog’s shadow make me realize how much we are a people who need to believe in something, even if it’s simply an earlier Spring.

I have nothing personally against Punxsutawney Phil. He’s just a cute furry creature whose hibernation is disturbed by frenzied camera crews. I would just like to see the same kind of coverage over the every day, small miracles that we happen in our midst without us even knowing about them. The media has been filled with dire predictions: the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the spiraling down economy, the job loss rate, the home foreclosures and 1 in 3 teen drop out rate from school. There are animals who, unlike Punxsutawney Phil, are beaten and starved and neglected. And yet, there are quiet, humble miracles that happen every day, to help create a world that will include much bigger blessings than a shortened Winter season.

Joshua James Lapp, age 16, saved his elderly neighbor from an overwhelming fire. He heard her cries for help and climbed in her window into the dense smoke. Although nearly overwhelmed by smoke inhalation, and covered in lacerations to his arms, Joshua was able to save both of them, as well as another building resident. He did this without thought to his own safety. In a world in which teenagers are maligned and marginalized, Joshua’s actions were both extraordinary and wonderful. His name was released with his prestigious Carnegie Hero award, and yet few had heard of him before this. He is a hero, and he created a miracle, but quite literally caring for his neighbors as he would himself.

Best Friends Animal Sanctuary creates quiet miracles every single day. Although based in Utah, Best Friends reaches their mission nationally to inform and educate people on animal care, as well as to provide rescue missions for animals in dire situations. Some of the miracles this organization performs appear on their program, “Dogtown” on the National Geographic Channel. One of the stories that touched my heart was that of Tuffy, a nearly dead Dalmatian mix who was attacked by starving other dogs at a hoarding situation of 100 dogs abandoned in the Nevada desert. Against all odds, this “toughie” not only survived by thrived. His caregivers were incredible, and his foster father, Jeff, was a true hero, loving Tuffy back to life. The most heroic part of all was Jeff’s giving Tuffy to his new adoptive family, a healed and loved dog.

None of these stories make it to the front pages in the same way that bad news, or Punxsutawney Phil does. But, these beautiful stories of quiet miracles are a much better ‘prediction’ of what we, as human beings, are capable of. Winter will turn into Spring, both metaphorically and literally. But, we, ourselves, can help generate our own predictions for a better world by our own choice of actions: to be a heroic, to be humble, to be kind and most of all, to think of others before ourselves. I believe that’s a much better predictor of our future “climate”.

Superbowl Sunday

Sport is a preserver of health. ~Hippocrates

It's Superbowl Sunday again! Once again, homes will be filled with friends, family and laughter. Our tables will hold pizzas and giant sandwiches. Rational people will paint their faces, and spell words out with their bodies to support their teams. It's a time to take a break from the every day stress of life, and as a nation, sit back and enjoy the game. It's a day to place on hold our worries over the financial crises and fighting a war in two countries. It's a purely American holiday....and for most of us, the outcome of the game is even less important the fun of watching it.

We need more Superbowls in our lives. We need holidays that don't involve getting dressed up or buying presents. We need an excuse to pause and simply laugh, have fun, argue over nothing more important than whether or not a play made a first down. We need to just live in a moment that's bigger than us all, and yet includes our 'participation', even if it's a group of men discussing why the refs make stupid calls.

Every family has its Superbowl traditions. My mother used to always make a meatloaf in the shape of a football, with pimentos for laces. When my husband was growing up, his brother and he would gather all their friends on the high school field for a game of pick up football in the afternoon prior to kickoff. From the time the boys were about 6 years on, they'd play their own game, young and old mixed together, mimicking their favorite players move and attitude.

So, why does the Superbowl capture the imagine of so many people? I believe it's because the game gives up the chance to pick sides, to 'fight the good fight', but ultimately to go home, together, as Americans. Because my husband is an Army Officer, the only game that comes close to this intensity of feeling, and yet, unity, is the Army-Navy football game, held ironically on my birthday every year. In both games, we can cheer, we can shout and we can holler out our prowess over the other team. But, when it's all said and done, we go home as a nation, together and united.

In Yoga, there is no sense of competition. We are all in our own practice, with some being more advanced and others being beginners. There is not the sense of one of us versus another, in a healthy yoga class. Still, a little competition is not an inherently bad thing. Therefore, when practing Yoga, or swimming or skiing...or doing anything in which we can excel, I believe it's important to ourselves to push ourselves to the next level. This doesn't mean each of us must become a Master Yogi, or win an Olympic Gold Medal. It means that we can press on ourselves, without anyone acting as our battlefield opponent, to achieve our very best in whatever we set out to do. We can pursue our own glory, and our sense of empowerment, without having it be at the expense of someone else's 'loss'. In a sense, as we continue to develop our own talents and push ourselves to achieve, those who are close to us will, most likely, share in our successes.

As you watch the game today, enjoy the spectacle, laugh at the commercials and dream about your goals...and ways to make them not only possible, but achievable.

Now...are you ready for some football?

On the road again !

I’m one of those crazy people who loves car trips. Since I’ve been taking car trips since I was a little girl, I can honestly say how much I can remember about each and every one of them. I remember leaving our house in New York at the beginning of every summer to drive to Maine. I remember getting the “hump” (or the middle seat) every year because I’m the youngest. I remember stopping at funky places along the way to eat. Some looked like giant cattle yards with oversized plastic cows out front. Others looked just like enormous pirate ships, stuck by the side of the road, with no ocean in sight. I also remember the fun of going to LL Bean in the middle of the night as a stopover. Most of all, I just remember the fun of setting out of the trip. Sure, we whined and pushed each other around in the backseat, but most of all, I remember all of us being excited to go on our trip. The break in the routine, and the joy of setting off on an journey, was something we looked forward to all year.

Obviously, now that I’m a mom and have children of my own, I’ve done my own fair share of car trips with them. With babies in car seats, I learned every changing table between Midcoast Maine to New York City. I learned where every family friendly rest stop was, and what great ‘kid activities’ places were on the drive. When we began traveling in different parts of the country, we learned in just a second, how to sum up the kids’ tolerance level…and if we could squeak just another hour or two in before we stopped. We have had some wonderful memories, listening to books on CD, talking and laughing, and even playing games in the car. Yes, we had times of the children taunting one another with “I’m not touching you”, holding a finger two inches away, and my own brilliant parenting retort of “No one touch anyone every again !”. But, for the most part, our trips were filled with the exhilaration of seeing new places and experiences new things.

Now that my children are in their teen years, our trips have given us more time for in depth discussions. Because my son plays hockey all over the Northeast, it’s given me time to get to know him all over again….who he is now, what his hopes and dreams are, and honestly, to listen to his opinions as a smart young man. It’s also given him pause, as a driver in his own right, to learn that his mom isn’t the best driver in the world. My daughter attends boarding school two states away, and while we miss her horribly, we have come to love the drives back and forth. My husband and I take turns having her all to ourselves. Those four hours in the car give each of us the most amazing quality time for in depth sharing, and a great deal of laughter.

Plane travel is a mode of transportation we have to use, given that half of our extended family lives on the West Coast. It involves long lines, angry people and a great deal of waiting around. It means taking off your shoes, being subjected to searches and lots of delays and lost luggage. We do like that we can go across country in 7 hours by plane. But, I think that plane travels loses something of the essence of a journey…the intimacy of it, and the ability to fully enjoy the trip. By car, there is no danger of lost luggage or an overbooked flight.

Long car trips aren’t without their drawbacks, of course. Stiff backs, aching muscles and too much fast food can wreak havoc on our bodies. One of the best twists in Yoga is the seated twist. This can relieve back pain and help to reset your spine. It can easily be modified to do in a chair (at a rest area) or even if your own car’s seat, when you’re not driving. Keeping both hands on the back of the seat, and bringing your torso to face the back, you will be able to alleviate all that tension very easily, by breathing into the twist, and doing the pose slowly. Of course, taking breaks to drink plenty of water, to eat healthy food, and to go for walks, are also simple ways to fight car trip fatigue.

So, pop in a great book on tape, or blast tunes from your favorite CD, and hop on the road. You never know what adventures will take place along the way.

Travel is more than seeing the sights. It is a change that goes on deep and permament, in the ideas of living. ~ Miriam Beard

Don't let it in the house!

(Note: I originally posted this on the Clutter Club blog, but thought it would be fun to share here, as well.)

I'm a history buff, especially when it comes to pop culture. I can picture snippets from almost every decade and can easily imagine myself as a 1920's Flapper or a 1940's USO girl. But, when it comes to classic movies, I have to say that the 1950's were a great time for exploration on film. Nothing seemed to capture this moment in filmography better than the Monster Movies of the 50's. We can all easily picture James Dean and Natalie Wood from this era. But, we can just as easily envision the "Creature from the Black Lagoon" and "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". Although I wasn't born until the mid-60's, I remember staying up to watch the "Creature Feature" on Friday night television, where these classics would be replayed. One question I always asked myself was, "Why do they let the monster in the house?"

I think we can ask the same question of ourselves about clutter. Why do we let it in the house? We try so hard to stay on top of our mess, to create an organized system and to maintain a sense of structure in our daily lives. But, we turn around, and like a monster from an old scary movie with bag masks, there it is! The Clutter Monster has snuck in again! It comes in with stacks of mail, in our carry bags from the day's events and from duplicating things we already have.

This said, I have a secret weapon against the Clutter Monster:the trash can! The best way for me to get control of clutter is not to go into the house with it. When I come home, I walk right over to the trash can in the garage. I look through my mail, and unless it's a bill or something important, I pitch it right away. (If you live in a place that recycles junk mail: Mazel Tov! Just put it into your recycling bin.) I also make a point of going through my tote bag, the car, and anything else that might make its way into the house and evaluate

it quickly. Does this really need to come inside? Is it actually trash? Unless it's something that's critical, or will need to be used soon, I will either pitch it, recycle it or put it in a 'give away' bin that I keep next to the trash can. When I go to the dump every week (for those of you who don't have curbside pick up---it's a northern New England ritual), I also stop off at the local charity shop, and drop off my give aways then.

Another great way to keep the Clutter Monster at bay is to have a "one comes in, one goes out" policy. We all have plenty of clothes, shoes, books, and other miscellaneous items in my family. I have instituted a policy of "If you buy a new one, then one like item must be given away." Not only does this help with truly thinking about 'replacement' as opposed to 'aquisition', but it's a great way to keep full closets from getting out of control. I know that if I really need a new black sweater, then one needs to go to "Heavenly Threads", the church's thrift shop. This 'one comes in, one goes out' also applies to my formerly overstocked pantry. I am blessed with a walk-in pantry the size of small room. This blessing led to overcrowding to the point that I didn't know what I had, and was buying yet another box of Rigatoni, when there were already three on the shelf that I simply couldn't see. Now, I make my food shopping lists based on what's 'going out' in the trash.

The Clutter Monster is sneaky. It likes to tiptoe in when you least expect it. But, stopping it in its tracks, by not letting it in the house in the first place, can be one way to keep clutter at bay.

When life isn't fair....

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

There are times that life simply isn't fair. There are days when we do everything right, when we play by the rules, when we are the 'good guys', and yet, we're thrown a curve ball that knocks us out. Sometimes these events are purely random. Other times they're brought about by people who do not wish us well. Often, these two factors come together in order to form a desperate, unfortunate or frustrating situation. We look to the stars and we wonder "Why me? Why now?". We wail, and we fret and our minds twist in complex spirals trying to reason why we were singled out for this burden. But, wrapping our thoughts around 'why' will not solve these unjust events. It's only by rising above them, by taking our eyes off the situation itself to move into view of the horizon, that we can begin to move on past wrongs done to us.

Literature and movies are filled with stories about good guys who have a series of bad things happen to them. Charles Dickens was the great master of the unfortunates in the way of life's tragedies. More recently, the Harry Potter series is an excellent metaphor for a teenage boy, just trying to figure out who he is, while having the misfortune of being hunted by malevolent beings. Harrison Ford's portrayal of Dr. Richard Kimble, in "The Fugitive", takes us on a wild chase of adventure as an innocent man runs for his life, while trying to solve his wife's murder...all while grieving her death. There is something reassuring about knowing that we are not alone in our struggles against events beyond our control. By reading about them, and watching them on screen, we understand that we have a choice to make: we can either succumb to the pain of unjust failure, or we can make the choice to triumph over whatever adversity life throws at us.

In Charles Dickens' classic novel, "Great Expectations", the tragically compelling figure of Miss Havisham, who remains in her wedding dress for the rest of her life, having been jilted at the alter decades before, is a lesson to us all as to how *not* to deal with life's severe blows. The clocks in her home are stopped. The wedding feast is allowed to rot where it was set. Alone, and bitter for eternity, Miss Havisham makes her life a prison, trapped in her own worst moment forever. If Harry Potter shows bravery in the face of unjust odds against him, then Miss Havisham is his foil. She not only gives into her unjustice, but she allows it to twist and warp her spirit into something that is itself evil.

My own family has been beset by unfair blows, several of which have come in past month. We have looked at one another, thought, "We're good people. We pay our taxes, we work hard, and we love our children. We have never cheated anyone, and we live honorable lives." But, still life circumstances gave us pause for a few days, despairing over both the unknown and the unfairness of a series of events. At that point, we began to realize that we could be stymied by the situations in our lives. Or, we could work to better them. We could allow unfair situations to destroy the lives we've worked hard to achieve, or we could teach our children not to give up. My hope is that, even if we can't overcome every obstacle in our lives' paths, we can know we've done our best to walk the path itself.

In my yoga classes, there is very little that gives me more satisfaction than seeing a student achieve an asana she didn't think she could do. I teach a variety of classes, and have a wide range of students in each of them. The most rewarding class I'm teaching right now is to teenage girls. I'm working with a special program to help these young women build up their strength in body, mind and spirit. For too long, these girls have been told that they're overweight, or stupid, or have little value to people around them. I have the honor of working with these girls, to help inspire them to remove the obstacles standing in the way of their future happiness. One of my students came in so hesitantly, I offered to just have her sit and watch class the first time. She was so unsure of herself, she didn't even want to sit on a mat. By the third class, she was moving through her sun salutations, and I could see a brightness in her smile I hadn't seen before. On the fourth class, I was able to help her into a Bow Pose. This young lady was positive she couldn't do it. But, with my help, and encouragement from others in the class, she reached back and grabbed her ankles. Later on, this young girl's mother confided in me that her daughter had been plagued by a serious lung-related illness all of her life, and was told, by a particularly harsh physican she'd never be able to 'do much'. How incredibly blessed I felt to have been a part of this girl's overcoming her own physical, and emotional, roadblocks. Life may have handed her severe asthma, and it may have beaten her self-esteem down for years, but watching the sheer joy on this girl's face allowed me a humble glimpse into overcoming odds.

Life is rarely fair. Good people get bad diseases. Nasty people often connive their way to the 'top', stomping on others to climb the ladder of success. Wretched people can malign our good name. And, children can be so lost in spirit by the age of 13, that they don't see the point of moving forward. But, at just these times, opportunity for true greatness is upon us. We may not always like the circumstances we find ourselves, but we can darn well do our best to make the conscious choice to keep going.