Manners matter

Not long ago I was dining in an elegant restaurant with my family, and our server had the most atrocious manners I could imagine. We were surrounded by beauty, luxury, style and a delightful menu of delectable selections. Yet, when our gum snapping waitress snubbed our table several times, and then barked at a subordinate to just 'get the damn order' from us, we were fairly close to leaving the establishment. We did stay, but carried on with the focus of soldiers in battle, just trying to make it over the next hill. Our drinks were wrong, and we were told *we* were incorrect in our order. Our meals were delicious, but smacked down with ferocity. No one seemed to care a whit if we were enjoying our overpriced-for-the-service evening. My husband even commented that we've had more conscientious service at a McDonald's drive thru. Regardless, the evening, despite wonderful food, was disappointing. This was not because of someone who was clearly overworked and was doing her best. The fiasco was a result of the de-apprecation of manners, common courtesy and even vague politeness in our society.

Ironically, the simple pleasantries of "please" and "thank you" are so underrused these days that I've met strangers who are amazed that my teenagers will use these terms. I have done no special parenting. The fact is, I've aspired to teach my children basic values of courtesy and respect, and but certainly have not enrolled them in finishing courses or charm school. I find it fascinating that what I consider to be the most basic of nursery school values have been reduced to the exception, and not the norm. But, why is this? Most people, if one asks, believe that good manners do matter. When I make eye contact, and ask for help, 'please', I'm regarded with appreciation and assistance. I know that we do live in a fast paced, quickly changing and unsettled society. But, can't the simplest acts of kindness bring a sense of civility to an otherwise angry world? If children can learn basic manners in preschool, or even from Sesame Street, can't they bring these skills forward as they near adulthood? Why do our expectations change?

In Yoga, it is customary to bow, and with prayer hands, wish one's teacher and one's classmates "Namaste". Roughly translated from the Sanscrit, this simple word means "I honor the light within you". It's a beautiful method of ending class, of showing respect and for 'seeing' your fellow yoga practitioners with open hearts. It's a way to say "until we meet again" that honors each other in a more heartfelt manner than "Later, dudes". Namaste imbues the close of class with civility, warmth and a wish of goodwill, as we all head out the door, to experience our lives beyond the yoga classroom. In short, it shows good manners.

What can we do, outside of the Yoga studio, to help forge good manners? I believe that we can set a good example in our own responses and in the way we treat others. If we create an atmosphere of superiority, anger or disdain around us, then it's not going to be surprising if that's the way in which we are treated in return. While we can't control another person's actions or reactions, we are far more likely to receive positive responses, if we ourselves are polite, respectful, helpful, understanding and agreeable. If we imbue our own sense of projected self with thoughtfulness, we will, most of the time, receive the same understanding. If not, we can only be responsible for our own behaviors. If we are met with truly rude people, does this mean we need to be rude in return? No, it doesn't. It means we can create a stop to the 'pay it forward' that often generates from another's mistreatment.

The woman who was so rude to my family at the elegant restaurant at the Bellagio may just have been treated abominably by a previous table. Perhaps she had a fight with an uncaring husband at home. While we'll never know what caused her hostility, we treated her politely. Who knows? Perhaps our lack of angry reaction to her poor service may have caused her to be kinder the next time.

To coin an old phrase, good manners cost nothing, but can repay you a thousand times over.