Beyond Our Abilities

A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties. ~Harry Truman

There are times it's especially easy to be an optimist. It's as if the entire order of the universe just seems to flow directly into our train of needs and thoughts. We pull into a crowded parking lot, and a space appears before us. We find out that the bank made an accounting error: in our favor. We didn't have time to study for an exam, and yet the material on the test is the information we knew well. We investigate a vacation, and find the hotel of our dreams is within our budget. We run into an old friend within moments of thinking of her. We find out we're having a much wanted baby, or that our child has been accepted into the school of her choice, with an academic scholarship. It rains for a week before our wedding, and then clears up to be the most beautiful day of the year. There can be large strokes of luck....such as falling in love with the person of our dreams. There can be small ones, like finding just what you wanted on sale. These are the days in which it's very easy to say "Life is wonderful! I'm incredible blessed!". When life gives us unexpected, unanticipated or much desired results, we praise the highest heavens at our good fortune. We feel as if we're destined for all good things to come and that nothing can ever, or will ever, change these circumstances of bounty. Optimism at these times is a simple process: we expect good to come, as it has already done so.


Yet, all of us, at one time or another, have experience the depths of despair. We are passed over for a position we wanted very much. We find ourselves in financial hardship. We learn of a close friend's betrayal. We are diagnosed with life threatening, mysterious illness. We lose a much wanted baby. We watch a parent succumb to death. We find that even daily life become difficult. All the household appliances seem to break down at once. The furnace fails on the coldest day of winter. Our car slides off the road in icy conditions. Our children's hearts are broken, and there is nothing we can do about it. It's during these times that we wonder if we are cursed, rather than blessed. We feel as if we're blighted. It's during these times that it's very difficult to remember our benefits. We are so caught up in the wretched feeling of "What can possibly go wrong next?" that we fail to see the small boons that do come our way. It feels as if the universe is, in short, out of get us.


Friends, I have been through every single one of these experiences. I've enjoyed the joys of magnificent blessing. I've felt the sting of fear and heartache more times than I'd like to count. There are days I want to pinch myself that my life is real, that good things are always to come. There are other times in which I wonder why on earth I'm being tested to the point of breaking my spirit. Life is often like a roller coaster: there are exceptional highs in which I've felt on top of the world, and lows so terrifying, I wasn't sure I'd make it back up again. Still, when time marches forward, I learn my lessons, I get out of my own disappointed thoughts, and I do my best to to remain content along any of life's paths. I've often admired the words of St. Paul from the 4th chapter of Philippians, "for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. " I have not yet achieved his enlightened perspective on this subject. But, I'm working on it....every day is a new step towards optimism in all circumstances.


The most challenging aspect of this is, of course, that most of these challenges are beyond our control. We have no way to prevent horrible things from happening. We can be careful, we can be mindful and we can think out all ramifications. And yet, disaster can strike us at any time. That being said, we can choose to live two ways, according to Albert Einstein...."You can choose to live as nothing is a miracle, or, you can choose to live as if everything is a miracle." Just as we do not choose to pick our hardships, we also do not choose our miracles. They choose us. When difficult times arise, we can begin to look back and wonder "What can I gain from this situation?". I have found that, in my darkest hours, it's nearly impossible to see the sun. But, when the day dawns again, I begin to notice the preciousness of life, the fragility of love, the dearness of those precious to me and the blessings in every day comforts. We can take for granted all the wonderful, everyday occurrences far too easily. When life is bleak, however, we can look at the magnificence of the trees in Autumn, we can hear the laughter of a toddler and we can smell the aroma of freshly baked banana bread. These, too, can be counted as miracles.

In my yoga classes, I always try to include one especially challenging pose. Many of my students balk and and tell me that they just "can't" even attempt to try it. They are understandably afraid: a headstand, or other physically demanding asana, can be just as terrifying emotionally. Their fears keep them from even wanting to explore this pose against the wall for support. I have been told valid reasons for not wanting to try: neck injuries, light headedness, spinal pain. Still, for those who want to try to work beyond their uncertainty, the empowerment achieved is amazing. I have one elderly student who expressed great reasons for trepidation in her lack of zeal to do headstand. I explained that she certainly did not *need* to do this pose, and I offered her a much gentler alternative. Yet, when she saw the grins of a few others in the class, just TRYING, she asked if I could help her. Using blocks, blankets, and other yoga props, I aided her in achieving a supported version of headstand. "Elsa" was overwhelmed with joy. On her way out of class, she hugged me and said, "I didn't believe I could do it, but you believed I could. Thank you for believing in me."

Sometimes, in life, what we need is not a winning lottery ticket or sun on a rainy day. What we need is someone else to believe in us. We need another human being to say "I know it's hard and I am here for you, but I have faith you can do it!". That is the best gift we can share with another: the gift of optimism, on their behalf, when something is out of their control. It's my hope that we can find methods to achieve this for ourselves, also.

Taking a break...

Because my personal disposition runs somewhere between lazy and sloth-like, the concept taking a break shouldn't be too complex for me. After all, my favorite state of being is in my pajamas, reading a book and sipping a cup of tea. Or, stretching and relaxing in a Restorative Yoga class can also be a place I'm likely to be found. Understandably, the idea of taking a break should be second nature to me. Yet, when it comes to situations that simply aren't working, problems that aren't getting solved and dynamics that are counter-productive, I tend to want to be the peacemaker. I try to be the "fixer" for my own life, and for my family. When conflicts arise, I don't shy away from them. I try to be proactive and productive. Fixing problems right now, at the very moment they're happening, seems to be so much 'easier' in the long run. I worry about letting situations fester. I also worry that I won't be able to relax in my Yoga class if I can't shut my mind off from dealing with a pressing matter.

However, there are times in which no amount of being a squeaky wheel, or a diplomat, will solve a problem. You do your best, you rally the troops, and you still are stuck in a precarious situation. One of the most challenging personality traits I have is that, after sloth, my worst habit is not being able to let things go when I wish there was more I could do. I want to fix, help, solve, mend, mediate, remedy, cooperate, comfort, push and intercede. I find unbelievably frustrating when I want to do the best I can to negotiate a situation, and I'm stymied in all possible outlets. These are the times that it's best to take a break, walk away, and save my energy. It's a concept I'm still working deeply on within myself.

One my favorite episodes of "Friends" is the one in which Ross and Rachel argue over whether or not they were "on a break". Let me be fair: their meaning of "on a break" was under contention. My own is without any resistance. Still, it's a laughable scenario, and I still have friends who quibble over who was truly in the right: Ross or Rachel. I also like the episode because it wasn't happening to me. I believe many people have felt that same sense of laughter at the farce and humor of the show, and still done a mental "Whew...glad that wasn't me". The sad part was that Ross and Rachel really did need a break from each other (two words). They needed time to think, to process and to just move away from the back and forth drama of their relationship.

How do we know when we really need a break, or whether we're procrastinating? I believe that, deep down, we really know when we need to walk away. Whether it's from a project that seems to have us bogged down or a relationship that's just not healthy, time stepped away can be used productively. When we're too close to a situation, we often get caught up in every word, every nuance and every syllable directed our way. When we can channel our energies into something completely different, we can then focus back on the issue at hand. At that point, we have gained perspective. We're not in the heat of the moment. We have been given a gift to have freedom to walk away from frustration. The real test of maturity is knowing what's worth fighting over, what's the best way to navigate through murky waters, and what matters are best when laid to rest. Hard as it may be to resist, we can't fix everything. We can't mend every broken relationship. We can't solve every problem. There are times that taking a break from stress can renew our energy and help us to think laterally of creative solutions to a problem. At other times, taking a break can help us to see the problem for what it is...and sometimes that means moving our lives in a different direction.

Even though taking a break can be seen as a cop out by many Type A personalities, I believe it's vital for those of us who feel as if we've transformed into hamsters on exercise wheels. I am not advocating leaving responsibilities, abandoning important issues or even dropping people from our lives because of a few bumps in the road. What I am suggesting, however, is that if a state of affairs seems to twisting itself up like a ball of yarn that's gone through the dryer, taking a break can mean seeing the circumstances with fresh eyes. Being able to look at any problem, without being a part of the problem ourselves, can bring us one step closer to the solution.

You got to know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away, know when to run. ~~ Kenny Rogers "The Gambler"

Problems vs. Solutions

Have you ever thought about what it would be like not to grow up? Quite literally, have you considered what the ramifications would be, if you stayed a child forever? When I first thought about this concept, of course, the image that popped into my head was “Peter Pan”….a forever existence of playing games, camping out, no responsibilities and no work. I imagined the sunset days of playing tag on the beach, collecting shells and roasting marshmallows. I envisioned one piece snowsuits, building snow men and sledding to my heart’s content. I thought of hours of Saturday morning cartoons and bowls of surgery cereal. I remembered swinging on the playground swings and having races about who could swing higher before we jumped off. I tried to evoke that heady feeling of hanging upside down on the monkey bars, and sharing confidences with my girlfriends, before all the blood rushed to our heads, and we fell off, laughing.

But, what if you literally did not grow up? What if time passed chronologically for you…and you were expected to graduate, find work and create an adult life, while still looking like a 12 year old? This is the theme captured in Jennifer Haigh’s new book, “The Condition”, a novel about a family struggling to deal with their daughter’s “Turner’s Syndrome”, a condition that keeps her 12 year old body from growing up, but still requires her to make her way in the world. The social implications are vast. Gwen, the girl with the “condition”, must navigate the social world of academia and life on her own. What amazed me most about this story was not Gwen, and her condition, but rather Gwen’s family, and their inability to adapt. Remarkably, Gwen builds a quietly successful life for herself, while her family takes on their own struggles by their inability to be as adaptive as Gwen becomes. “The Condition” is an excellent book. Each one of the characters is unique and mutli-dimensional in their own personal struggles. I found myself wanting to sit down and talk with each of them to learn more about why Gwen, who was doing just fine in her own life, had such a profoundly negative effect on those around her. Gwen’s family has to face the fact that she will never grow taller than 4’7”, she will never have a woman’s body, never be able to have children and still face a number of health problems. While Gwen creates her own independent existence, the lives of her family remain in limbo, all stunted by Gwen’s condition. Gwen remains steadfast and interested in intellectual progression and pushing the limits of her limitations. Her family finds themselves “stuck” in the moment in time when Gwen was first diagnosed. Old habits remain, and each member retreats into the place they were, themselves, stopped from ‘growing’.

St. John of the Cross wrote, “I am not made or unmade by the situations in my life, but by my reactions to them,” in the mid 16th century. How true his words ring today! Situations are going to arise in our lives beyond our control. We will find ourselves spinning our wheels in frustration, unable to change something unfair, unjust and unwarranted. We can’t stop time from happening. We can’t roll back the calendar to those blissful days of building sandcastles. But, we can rise above those situations that occur, and offset our sense of personal equilibrium. Our family has been beset with many challenges this past month. It has felt as if we were facing one major obstacle on top of yet another one, without a respite or a solution in sight. It has seemed as if we were on a treadmill, unable to change direction or move forward. What our family has been learning has not been easy, but we are coming to a place in which we simply try to look at each moment from every possible angle. We are learning the skills of persistence, of lateral thinking and of patience in problem solving. None of these lessons are complete, nor do they help us at every moment we feel a sense of powerlessness. But, we do realize that the refrain of ‘rise above and move forward’ can be incredibly helpful during times of trial. We have also learned that forward doesn’t always mean the direction we had thought it would…sometimes we simply need to change direction. Life isn’t always fair. To the contrary, life is rarely fair. And yet, when we continue to run against a metaphorical brick wall, we are only hurting ourselves. It’s the way of finding the path around, through, over or under that wall that the answers are revealed.

In Yoga, an asana I have found to be incredibly helpful during times of powerlessness and frustration is Camel Pose. Camel is an extended back bend. While those with knee and back issues may find this asana challenging, it can be especially therapeutic during times of stress and anxiety. Camel in a pose in which you lead backwards with your heart open. Coming into the pose is also metaphorical, in that your heart leads in a direction that is unexpected and unusual. I find that even spending just 30 seconds in Camel can have a profound effect on how I feel, and how my thought processes work. By moving backwards, and into a pose that seems counter balancing, I realize that, at times, I’m able to come up with new solutions to nagging problems. At other times, I simply find myself better equipped to handle problems that don’t have immediate solutions, by keeping an open heart and mind.

Everyone goes through tough times. We all face obstacles in our paths. We are treated unfairly, unjustly and have little recourse. And yet, we can also find these to be times of growth. We may need to divert our path. We may find that life takes us in ways we would not have chosen. And yet, when we're not presented a choice, the path becomes clear: stop moving, or find a new way. New ways aren't always easy or what we expected. However, we all need to find the lessons that await us, or risk being stuck in place. And, who wants to be stuck in place, never moving forward?

The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running. (in reference to Ecclesiastes 9:11-12)