Homeward Bound

Home is a place not only of strong affections, but of entire unreserve; it is life's undress rehearsal, its backroom, its dressing room. ~Harriet Beecher Stowe


My daughter, Caroline, just completed her freshman year away at school. As we began the arduous task of loading up my car, we realized she had doubled the amount of 'stuff' she'd accumulated during her first year of school in Massachusetts. As cramped as my car was on the drive south this past August, it was even more complicated trying to fit in every bag, every item, and all her new belongings. Caroline had acquired two milk crates filled with books, a shelving unit holding even more, and lots of new furnishings. She had received projects, awards, different types of recognition and been part of many photographs. In short: we weren't loading up the car, trudging up and down two flights of stairs, and then back across the green simply with accumulated junk...we were loading up her first year of memories. With every bag, with each book, with every parcel, there was a story. Each new item contained a memory of her freshman year. Caroline remembered which she skirt she wore to her first day of class, the pair of shoes she wore giving her first Biology presentation and each athletic award's significance. Her mug reminded her of getting tea with her dorm mates, her pillows were ones that matched her with wonderful roommate and her books either evoked wonderful, or dreadful memories of particular classes. It was a cluttered car, but that car was filled with conversations to have on our way home, and then even more as we began to unload and put things away.


As proud as I am of Caroline's success during her first year away, I am thrilled to have her home again...and for all her independent spirit, she's very glad to be home too. Despite the fact that many freshmen feel a sense of disassociation when they complete their first year and arrive back at their homes, Caroline expressed an exuberant joy and loving her school, but loving being back in her own room...with all its childhood memories. She realized that she didn't need to be a leadership role model, at the top of her game (academically or athletically) or even particularly mature. She was able to just be herself again...her persona that she kept tucked in her back pocket while she was at school. Caroline was able to be a daughter and a sister once again....and to enjoy mingling her school things with the memories of her growing up.


Home can be a wonderful place to which to return. As proud as we can be of our accomplishments out in 'the big world', who are innately, our strengths, as well as our weaknesses, can be let free. There are times and places in our adults lives, and especially in the lives of young adults, that we must adopt and enact a vision of our ideal selves. These ideal selves are often more articulate, more well read, more coordinated and better prepared than we truly feel. Our inner selves can feel out of our element, confused, inferior and unworthy. But, when faced with a challenge, we often rise to the occasion by projecting all the qualities we wish to possess. As we become more comfortable in each new situation, and as we face each obstacle, we may well gain confidence in these new abilities. And yet, there are times in which these personality traits we have "tried on", as we would try on a new coat, feel heavy and burdensome. When we come home, we can peel off that overweight layer at the door, and leave it there...choosing either to pick it up, or not, when we leave.



In Yoga, in the beginning of each class I teach, we take a few moments to leave our personalities, egos, preconceived notions and outside worries outside the door. I encourage my students not only to mentally relax, but to physically let go of those areas of competition in our hearts that are holding us back from truly realizing our authentic selves. One way to accomplish this is to practice the "Breath of Joy". This exercise is a three part breath, with the exhalation allowing the yogini to completely release. Not long ago, one of my students shared me how much this small part of our practice meant to her. In her own words, she told me that the "Breath of Joy" felt as she was "coming home after a long, hard trip". This description made me feel exceptionally pleased because that is the asana's full intention: a sense of letting go, and coming back to that inner place in which we feel completely ourselves.

My wish for my children is that, as they grow up and move on with their lives, they always know that their father and I will always be their touchstone...their home base, their place of comfort and familiarity. But, for many of us, our childhood homes no longer exist. Either our parents are no longer with us, or they have moved to a different place. We are incredibly fortunate, however: we carry the blueprint for creating our sense of home within our very nature. We can find time, space, and intention each day to slug off those burdens we carry, check in with our true being. Sometimes it may just finding a quiet place to breathe and clear our minds. It may also be writing, painting or in some other creative outlet. For still others, it may be going for a run to engage our physical being down its essence. However we can tap into that sense of 'home', it has the ability to give us time with who we really are. It can also give us a gift of appreciation of all that we are able to accomplish, and the lessons we have learned along the way.

I encourage you to begin a pilgrimage: find your way home. That may be a place to visit...or it may be a journey inside your own heart. Either way, you may find yourself enriched and relaxed.

Memorial Day

The legacy of heroes is the memory of a great name and the inheritance of a great example. ~Benjamin Disraeli


The last Monday in May brings with it Memorial Day...the day set aside to honor those Americans who gave their life in battle. For some of us, this holiday will feature parades of Little League teams, fireworks, floats, marching bands and spoken tributes. We might have backyard barbeque's or a day at the beach. For others, the day will be felt as a personal day of loss, remembering a husband, a brother, a sister, a wife, a son or a friend who was killed in the line of duty. For these families, Memorial Day will not mean a day off from school, a chance to try out new water skis or an excuse to break out the grill. It will not be about kicking off the summer season. Memorial Day will be a time set aside to remember their precious one, whose life was cut short far away. There is a dichotomy to Memorial Day that many people ignore. For those who have lost beloved family members, it feels awkward, and even distasteful, to celebrate. For those who have not, it feels a little unsettling to grasp that this day is about far more than a bank holiday.


I believe that Memorial Day has the potential to be both a day of jovial welcome to the summer season, as well as a time to honor the fallen heroes. Even if you haven't lost a soldier in your own family, it bears remembering that there are families in your own community that have been touched by war. Afghanistan and Iraq are both still very much war zones. Ours is a nation at war right now, at this very moment. Simply because one hasn't lost a brother in the fighting outside of Mosul ,doesn't mean we are unaffected by the ongoing hostilities. I can sadly promise that many of us know people who have lost someone, or who has someone currently serving. One of the kindest ways I believe we can reach out to the families of service people right now, is by not ignoring them. Because these wars have been ongoing and unpopular, there has been a tendency to look the other way at the families left here in the States. As a former Army wife, myself, I remember the long months of the First Gulf War, and living in Germany at the time. There were plenty of times I wanted to listen by the radio (as we didn't have Armed Forces television at our house in the countryside off post). But, there were other times, I would have loved to have been invited out....to have been invited to a party or a cookout to celebrate our courage and thankfulness. Yet, during times of trouble, people often like to keep their distance.


Our family was truly blessed. My husband's unit was fine, and although it was disbanded during the time of the first Gulf War, we were fortunate to have a strong sense of community among other military families. With our husbands away, many of the women in the wives' groups had rotating dinners at one another's houses, planned outings and just generally used one another in the buddy system to keep tabs on our well being. This was one of the advantages to being abroad already: we had a built in support system in place.


Yet, for many current military families, their husbands and wives have been called into active duty from the reserves, and therefore tend to live in their own houses, in their own neighborhoods, rather than in military communities. Because of this, many families can feel invisible. Even if a woman hasn't lost her husband at war, not seeing him for 18 months can feel like a lifetime, particularly if she has children. I've heard a military spouse of a deployed Army officer say that she feels as if she carries a highly contagious disease: people feel badly but prefer to wave from a distance...as if her 'bad luck' could possibly rub off on them. She doesn't know if her neighbors ignore her because they disagree with the war, if they think she must already have support or because they simply don't know what to say. While her husband is in Afghanistan, all my friend would like is to be treated normally, and included just as she would have been before.


It's my wish that we find ways to honor our military: the fallen heroes, those currently called away in service, and those heroes left at home. The quiet hero is the mom who tells her children bedtime stories about things their Daddy loved to do with them, even if the children can't remember going to the zoo together. The hero at home is the father balancing his work and his children who miss their mom so much, they cry at night. They don't understand why she's not a nurse at the hospital up the street anymore, but has to be a nurse on the other side of the world. The hero at home is the grandmother, raising her grandson to be proud of his parents, who are in two different places far away. The quiet hero finds ways to keep the pieces of the puzzle together when the edges are all missing.


There is a Greek proverb that says "In hospitality, the chief thing is good will." I urge my readers to take a few minutes and cultivate that good will. Think of ways to be inclusive to the widow who is remembering a beloved husband, killed in action 30 years ago. Try to put yourself in the shoes of the haggard dad, busy with his job and the responsibilities his wife used to take on ,before she left for active duty. Find ways to be there for the little ones who just need to laugh while running through a sprinkler. Bake a pie, and have a cup of tea, with a woman whose son is in an area currently under attack. Investigate programs to write to soldiers who have no one else to communicate with them. Good will, the intention of cultivating the best for others, should be at the forefront of our Memorial Day.


By all means, grill those hamburgers, and spend the day on the lake. Wave flags at the parade and eat ice cream from a cart. But, remember the people who have given their lives for this country...and those who are still giving of their lives every day. Then, step out of your comfort zone and enact that good will.

Bathtime Reflections...

"Sorrow can be alleviated by good sleep, a warm bath and a glass of wine." ~ Saint Thomas Aquinas

There are few things in life that are more rejuvenating to me than a hot bath at the end of the day. The process of drawing the bath, choosing the aromatherapy scents for the evening, and just taking a moment to wind down can be incredibly therapeutic. I've learned that on days in which I'm particularly anxious or worried, a bath using Lavender, Jasmine or Rose oils can help me to fully relax, let go of the day's concerns and prepare for sleep. When I am overtired, and need a boost of energy, a bath containing Ginger, Peppermint or Lemon can leave me feeling refreshed, renewed and invigorated. During times that I have a cold or feel the aches of illness coming on, Eucalyptus, Hyssop and Basil have worked wonders. My time in the bath gives me those moments to reconnect body, mind and spirit. A warm bath can give one a sense of being reborn, and to step out of the tub with a renewed sense of purpose.

When my children were small, I remember bathtime having the same type of balancing effect on their personalities. Because I was blessed with two children barely two years apart, our home was a fairly chaotic one in the early years of their lives. They were precious playmates, building secret clubhouse forts with blankets and pillows. They were also adversaries, knocking over Lego creation masterpieces that the other sibling had built. They were the best of friends. They were the most bitter of foes. And yet, at the end of the day, no matter how angry my daughter might have been at having Barbie's pink VW Bug co-opted for a GI Joe battle, when the children got into the tub, began playing with boats and making 'potions' with bubbles and bowls, they were once again, peacefully united. I could always count on the fact that crying, hectic afternoons would morph into joyful, laughing evenings, thanks to bath time. The healing power of the warm bath became my safe haven, not only for my own use, but as a tired mother, who needed her children to find themselves refreshed.

Baths are far from a modern convenience. The healing power of warm water is universally accepted and lauded. Nearly every culture appreciated and cultivated the idea of bath time as being more than just a way to wash off the dirt. The Romans were masters of the bath. When we were in Italy, some of the most stunning examples of architecture we saw were those of the extraordinary Roman bath houses. These weren't place to pop in and out of for a quick cleaning. Rather, they were a social environment, as much as a healing one. The Romans created vast aqua duct and pipe systems to bring in fresh water, and heat it...decades before the modern, at home bathroom was ever conceived. Bath houses were places of commerce, places of connection, and places of time spent renewing oneself. There were bath houses for men, for women, for different social classes, and for different groups of people. But, all were treated to this vital, and positive, aspect of Roman life.

Is it any wonder that we, as human beings, find emerging from warm water to be an almost metaphysical experience? We emerge from the warm waters of our birth, and both history, mythology and religious traditions literally ooze warm water. The Greek goddess, Aphrodite, is said to have been born of the sea. In Judaism, a female convert must submerge in a Mikveh (a blessed, clean pool of water). For Orthodox Jews, women return to the Mikveh monthly as a symbol of cleanliness and renewal. Christians are 'born' by the water of baptism, as Jesus was baptized by John in the River Jordan. Muslims believe in the ritual cleansing with water, and that water is available at mosques before one may enter. Many Native American cultures used sweat lodges are a form of bath house, designed to purify the body from the inside out. The sweat lodge was a way to call forth visions, to remove all impure waters from the body, and was 'closed' by a dunk in a nearby river or lake.

For the majority of us, our evening ablutions have less to do with religion, and far more to do with unwinding. Our baths can help us feel refreshed after a day filled with activity. But, there is no reason to make our baths yet one more item to add to our "to do" list. By setting your intention for your bath to be a time of restoration, you can create your own personal sanctuary. In the fascinating film "What the bleep do we know?!", the writers suggest that our very words can change our realities, and our perspective. In one fascinating scene, a woman writes the words "Thank you" in the bottom of her bathtub. As she soaks, the woman is filled with a perspective of gratitude and well being. Whether or not our written or spoken words can physically change our state of mind, this exercise is an interesting object lesson. Our baths can, mentally and physically, improve our outlook, our health and, at the very least, our evening. Even if the manifestation of "thank you" is figurative, rather than literal, isn't it much nicer to focus our thoughts on gratitude for our lives, rather than the idiot who cut us off in rush hour traffic?

So, create your own reality by creating a special bath...fill it with warm water, a scent you can inhale with joy, and peaceful music. Author your own time of grace as you soak, and allow the craziness of your day to melt away. Even if you do not find yourself changed into a completely new being, perhaps just reconnecting with your calm inner being, can be change enough.

Graduation

Graduation is only a concept. In real life every day you graduate. Graduation is a process that goes on until the last day of your life. If you can grasp that, you'll make a difference. ~Arie Pencovici

My nephew, Adam, is graduating from high school this month. Additionally, a large number of my own children's friends will also be switching their tassels from one side to the other. This is the first year that high school graduation is truly personal. Children I've known all their lives are taking the first big step into adulthood. Yes, we all attended Kindergarten graduation, middle school graduation and numerous movings on from Little League, from Cub Scouts and from Guppy level swim lessons. We have been present at Confirmations, First Holy Communions and Bar Mitvahs. The fact is, our children's lives have been filled with one ceremonial ending after another, and they've received dozens of certificates to prove they were the most improved Soccer Player at camp 5 years ago. To some children, high school graduation feels like just one more occasion to have one's name read, and most likely, mispronounced, at the end of a series of such events.

And yet, the high school graduation, in my own heart, loomed larger than even my college graduation. Why? Because it wasn't yet another award to stick on the shelves, or stiff piece of parchment to get stuffed into a rummage drawer. It was the first, after many, graduation that really signified something beyond my lanyard making ability. For the first time, I felt incredibly grown up, and yet, reflected on how much growing up I had left to do. For four years in high school, I couldn't wait to graduate. I did enjoy high school, but the world ahead loomed so enticing and so much more 'real' than school. High school, for so many young people, both in my day, and currently, seems like a time to prepare for the next step. All throughout high school students are just marking time...in their classes (until they get to lunch and chat with their friends), in sports (until they make the varsity squad) and in life (until the 'real thing' begins). Students prepared for college, for travel or for the life beyond high school. High school itself felt as if we were in one big conveyor belt, in a giant machine, adding bits and pieces, tweaking parts of us here and there, until we were deposited at the end, with a diploma, plans for an amazing summer, and vague ideas about the Autumn ahead. High school seemed like the marinating time. Graduation felt as if we were popped out of our containers, properly seasoned, and ready to head off to the grill.

Ironically, with all the excitement and busy-ness leading up to baccalaureate, prom and graduation, I remember feeling a desire to just get the whole thing over with. I was ready to move on, take charge and step forward towards a vast new frontier. And still, as I sat with my classmates, I distinctly remember a moment of panic coming over me. Suddenly the reality of the marinade was sinking in, and I realized that this was not an ordinary day. From that moment forward, I would be considered a high school graduate, and truly, a young woman on my way to the rest of my life. Despite my angst of wanting to "grow up and get out", moving on from my days of childhood, I was immediately hit with a sense of melancholy as it dawned on me that I had absolutely no idea how to "be" the young adult that diploma, awaiting me at the podium, signified. As teenagers, we push and we hurry and we wrestle with the concept of being independent decision makers. But, at the end of the day, we may be able to speak passable French, have a fine understanding of Shakespeare and be able to discuss the mechanics, in Physics terms, of the solar system's orbit path. Yet, we haven't the vaguest idea of how to rent an apartment, cook a reasonable meal, pay our bills or have basic knowledge of a benefits plan. In short, we were marinated to perfection for a very small piece of the world we would eventully inhabit.

When I came across the Arie Pencovici quotation, regarding each and every day as a graduation, my eyes filled up with tears. Finally, I thought, a sentiment that I could relate to! I had long felt that, the older I grew, the more I wanted to know. And, the more knowledge I aquired, the more my curiousity was peaked. My mother has always used the expression of lifelong learning. When I was young, I wanted to roll my eyes and moan that, surely, it must end sometime! Now, happily in my 40's, I view every single day not only as a gift, but as an opportunity to learn something new...to discover a subject I'd never tackled before, to open my mind to new concepts and to learn to be more tolerant and considerate of other people's opinions. I have come to see that every moment presents an opportunity for learning...and that learning may involve Shakespeare, or it may involve learning to listen, with an open heart, to a idea I'd never considered. It may involve reading a book in a genre that I don't normally choose, or allowing my teenagers freedom to make their suggestions heard and appreciated. One of the most wonderful aspects about graduating every day, is to find out even more about the world we live in. As teenagers, our view of the world is very narrow. We believe we know it all...and as adults, we come to find out how very little our vision allows in. The choice we can choose to make, as adults with fully formed cerebral cortexes, is how wide to expand our vision...or how narrow to allow it to remain.

As you attend Graduation ceremonies in the coming weeks, I urge you not to give too much advice to the young people in your lives. They'll be inundated with it. Every uncle, every teacher and every neighhbor is going to tell them "If I knew then, what I know now...". The most wonderful graduation message I received was from my unofficial godmother, Patricia. She invited me down the hill for tea, hugged me very tightly, presented me with a beautiful Bible, and said simply, "I'm always here if you need to talk." She didn't lecture me on the best way to tackle college in the fall. She didn't remind me of all the bits of advice she'd given me over the years. In a short time, the pearls of wisdom that flew over my head during my graduation month faded. I could barely remember what I wore to my prom, let alone what advice I'd received. But, I did remember Pat's invitation....and for the past 26 years I've taken her up on it more times than I can count. Because of this graduation blessing, I felt a huge weight lift of my shoulders...because I knew I didn't have to grow up all at once.

If your heart so leads, and a graduate is precious to you, let her have an open door, a big hug and a mug of tea...knowing that she's not expected to run the world quite yet.

The Present Moment

Present-moment living, getting in touch with your now, is at the heart of effective living. When you think about it, there really is no other moment you can live. Now is all there is, and the future is just another present moment to live when it arrives. One thing is certain, you cannot live it until it does appear. ~ Wayne Dwyer

One of the areas in Yoga that has long been my struggle is the essence of remaining in the Present Moment. A lifelong daydreamer, I've always managed to drift off, thinking of the next place I'd like to be, something I'd rather be doing or even just imagining other possibilities that could be happening, when the next step of journey arrives. This is not the say I'm dissatisfied with my life. Quite the contrary...I count my blessings daily. And yet, I grapple with keeping my heart, my mind and my spirit grounded in the here and now...and to be fully present in this very moment, in this very time. The irony is that I've always imagined the next step: when I was little, I wanted to be big, before I was married, I couldn't wait to set up my home. Before I had children, I couldn't wait to have a baby. When my babies were little, I imagined their being bigger and more independent. Always, I had in my mind what was coming 'next'....rarely, what was here in this very time. I would tackle a stack of dishes in the sink, and think about how incredible life would be when "X, Y, Z" were to happen. As my hands would root around in the warm, sudsy water, I wouldn't think about what I needed to be happy. I truly have felt joy and contentment. And yet, there was the part of me always waiting to turn the page, and begin the next chapter.

Needless to say, patience has long been my biggest stumbling block in my spiritual quest. St. Paul wrote that the fruits of the Spirit are, "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." (Galatians 5:22). The Talmud extols "patience as the essence of a faithful man". Buddhism believes that patience is one of the "perfections" that one must achieve to attain enlightenment. I believe in all of these principles. I am devout in my love, my joy and utter gratitude for the life I have been blessed with. For every day that I have been graced with living, I feel a sense of profound awe and thankfulness. So, why do I struggle so with the concept of remaining grounded in the present moment? Why do I want to rush down the stairs, rip the paper open the metaphorical red and green packages, and tear into the Christmas gifts of life, like a wild 5 year old? Why can't I seem to sit at the top of the stairs....gazing with peace upon the scene below, and take the moment fully in, before rushing headlong into the future?

Living in the present moment, grounded fully in who we are, and in where we are, has been a challenge for many people for all of recorded time. Even Mother Theresa, whose life of utter selflessness, I admire deeply, reported periods of impatience, exhaustion and feeling spiritually tapped out. She looked for a time in which there would be no more poor to have such need, and for herself to have infinite strength to deal with all those who need her. Towards the end of her life she wrote, "All things pass... Patience attains all it strives for." The meaning? Keep on doing what you're doing: do good work, love those around you, remain focused on the tasks at hand. Patience isn't a place we arrive at, as a destination. Patience, itself, is a journey...and achieving it is a byproduct of living moment by moment.

Living in the present moment is not something new to our current age of fast-paced technology and instant gratification. What I will admit is that it's tougher than ever to remain grounded in living our lives as they come. When we're bombarded with advertisements, television shows and magazines, we wonder if we're missing something by not looking ahead more than we do. We wonder if our futures really be brighter if we only plan to move to a different place....a different home. We wonder if life will pass us by in not planning better.....or rather, by not planning to live a certain way, in a certain place. Plans aren't a bad thing: they help us pay our bills on time, arrive to attend meetings, do our jobs, parent our children well and remain involved in our communitities. Plans keep us focused on where we need to be right now. The problem with plans is that we can look too far ahead with them....and in doing so, lose sight of the moment we're living in. We can miss the joy of a summer night by thinking about plans to get the house ready for winter. We can let our children's babyhoods slip through fingers as we worry about where they will go to college. We can miss the touch of our spouse holding our hand on a Sunday evening, because we're mentally calculating all the crises that await us in the week ahead.

The wonderful Buddhist monk, Thich Naht Hahn, wrote a beautiful book on remaining in the present moment: "Peace is Every Step", about living in mindfulness everyday. One of the meditations he describes is very simple. As one sits in a peaceful position, or goes for a gentle walk, one repeats to herself:

• As I breathe in, I calm my body and mind.
• As I breathe out, I smile.
• Sitting (or walking), I am grounded in the Present moment.
• I know it is a wonderful moment.

As simple as this meditation sounds, it's surpringly effective. When I find myself thinking about "What? Where? When? HOW?!" for the next phase of my life, I realize that the next phase will come soon enough. I will have ample time, ample opportunity and ample ability to deal with all the blessings and challenges that lie ahead. What I will not have is the blessing of a moment I let slip away, by worrying, or even daydreaming, about what's still to come. The phrase "Carpe Diem" (or Seize the day!) made so popular in the wonderful Robin Williams film, "The Dead Poet's Society", is quite true. Today is a day that will never come again. What will you make of it? Will you enjoy it? Will you conquer the day's tasks, or will you ignore them, too focused on next year's burdens? Remember to always be the author of your day. For good or bad, for better or wose, and even for richer or for poorer, today is the moment to live in...so make certain that you appreciate it for all its worth, and live fully in the experiences as they arise.

Connections....

Not long ago, I was fortunate to happen upon a television program about one of my real life idols, Jane Goodall. I happen to adore Dr. Goodall's work, her books, and her passionate mission to educate the world about African primates. Dr. Goodall was far more of an anthropologist than she was a zoologist. She didn't study the chimpanzees and great apes. She lived with them. She built relationships with them by sitting quietly, observing them, interacting with them in their own language. She learned to communicate 'primate', not by forcing her will upon these wild creatures, but by introducing herself into *their* world. Dr. Goodall, not only became a member of various tribes of large primates, but she also got to know each family member throughout the generations. She didn't study them or their responses in control situations in a lab. She learned what their strengths and skills were by studying them in the wild. For hundreds of years, scientists removed chimpanzees and apes from Africa, to study them in climates and conditions far removed from their lives in their homeland. While some progress was made, sadly, far too often, these animals died in captivity...not only from accurate food deprivation, but from being separated from their families. What Jane Goodall was able to show the world, by her lifetime spent learning the intricate family, and group, connections, is that the bonds these animals forge is much like a human family: there are good relationships and bad ones. There are wonderful mothers, and negligent ones. There are involved fathers, and those who would hurt their young. There are meaningful, loving interactions and there are relationships based on fear. Just like human beings, primates, in their own environment need love, attention, human touch and kindness to survive.

Unfortunately, many primates have healthier relationships than some humans do with their children and with one another. My heart broke when I learned of another story...this one the antithesis of what Jane Goodall was studying: it was about a little girl who was quite literally, left to her own survival in the basement of her mother's home. Without going into too much detail, this poor child was deprived of every kind of human kindness, affection, and even basic interaction. As a result, she had the brain development of a 6 month old baby...at age 8 years old. This devastatingly heart breaking story had me sobbing for the pain of this poor child, but I was uplifting to learn that she had been adopted by a wonderful family, and was very slowly making progress in her physical and intellectual development. Interestingly, she was having to work through all the stages that babies do: she needed to learn to crawl, the be held upright, to sit in a chair unassisted, to feed herself. She needed to work through each milestone that a baby and a toddler would, and she has been able to make progress because of the deep connection she has grown with her incredible adoptive parents.

These two stories illustrate how crucial the connections we make are: to really understand who we are as human beings, and what we are capable of achieving, we have to value the connections we have with people in our lives. From our earliest relationships, these connections form the most fundamental resource in brain connections. Multiple research has shown a strong fact: infants who have strong, loving, interactive connections with their primary caregivers are more likely to have strong, loving, interactive relationships with others in their lives. Additionally, facts have been proving that loving relationships in infants and young children have actually been proven to *stimulate and create* connective brain tissue. Therefore, children who are spoken to, made eye contact with, held, loved, involved and cherished are children who are going to have a higher activity of brain stimulation, creating new pathways that are essential in all areas of growth and development.

But, does connectedness, and our need for it, diminish over time? Absolutely not. As human beings, unless we are highly introverted, we desperately need the interaction of other people. We need conversation, stimulation and cooperation. If we are missing these components of our lives, far too often, this can result in brain chemistry altering. Particularly in the elderly, we see that people who are loved, cherished and 'needed' are far more likely to continue to live active, interesting lives, than the elderly who are 'shut ins'. Our brains crave interaction with others...and meaningful conversation. Additionally, many mothers of young children, who are home raising them, and have left their work outside the home, find they can easily slip into lethargy. By participating in mother's groups, and maintaining their own interests with other new mothers (who understand their struggles), they're able to feel vital and less depressed. Every person, in every group, in society benefits from being a valued member, who has a something to contribute to the world around her.

In my Yoga classes, I'll often ask students to pair up to work on partner Yoga. Making basic asanas, such as Tree Pose, as seen in the photo to the left, into tandem poses, students gain in learning connections. It's not easy to hold a balance pose. It's even tougher when you're relying on someone else's balance. Yet, these can be some of the most popular exercises in my classes. With a partner, the yogini can stretch further than she would on her own. She is able to work into tough asanas, knowing that her partner can 'spot' her. The yogini also can feel a deep connection to helping her partner achieve her own goals. I'll always remember when two of my students, one an elderly woman in her late 70's, and her partner, a college student in her late teens, made a coffee date after class. They had just successfully assisted one another in achieving "Wheel Pose", similar to a back bend from the ground up. They were so proud, and thrilled, to have worked through their individual difficulties and to have triumphed together. And, so a purple haired college junior with a nose ring, invited her friend, a very proper British woman who always wore her pearls in class, for celebration over scones and cappuccino. In my eyes, that connection they made was far more impressive than the back bend.

Connections are crucial to us, in every stage of life. Make sure that you nourish those. Just as a baby needs to be held, rocked, crooned to and spoken with, our adult friends need interaction and attention, as well. We need to firm up those bonds and create strong ties with one another. This helps us feel more grounded in who we are, as people, and it also provides us with a wonderful network, with whom to share our joys, our sorrows and our every day events. So, find a pal...or better still...invite someone who may seem a bit lonely, out for cappuccino and scones. You may just end up finding a wonderful friend to help partner on life's journey. Just make sure you are learning to speak in their "language": you will find your connection to be much more real than imposing your own.

The greatest danger to our future is apathy in our connectedness. ~ Jane Goodall

Somewhere over the rainbow....

Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow...why, oh, why can't I?

It has never been a secret that "Somewhere over the rainbow" is one of my favorite songs. Since I was a little girl, curled up on the sofa, watching Dorothy sing in "The Wizard of Oz", as she daydreamed about a place where wishes can come true. Dorothy's impression of that place "over the rainbow" for most of us would be paradise: a place in which she could feel safe from harm, peaceful in heart, loved and protected. Her imaginings led her to believe that that her excursion to "being over the rainbow", would mean that all her troubles would disappear, and where she would be happy forever. Despite the hopeful lyrics of a song that still touches my soul, the irony about Dorothy's fairy tale land was that it didn't exist at all. Yes, Dorothy did fly over the rainbow. She did land in a place completely away from all of her troubles. But, with her voyage came her old nemesis, her old fears and a deep seated homesickness. Dorothy got her wish: she flew over the rainbow. But, in the end, it wasn't the land in which her dreams came true in the way she'd imagined.

How many times have we thought to ourselves, "If I just can have this, I'll be happy for the rest of my life?". For some, that dream of "being over the rainbow" might be the perfect job, a date with your dreamy coworker, a bigger house or a newer car. I have a friend who, for years, cut all the things she wanted out of magazines and newspapers. She pasted these pictures in a scrapbook. She'd gaze at the photos of the elegant colonial style mansion, and the luxury SUV longingly. She would "furnish" her imaginary home with designer rooms from "Elegant Homes" magazine. She would glue photos of hairstyles she liked, and celebrities whose appearance she admired. She would clip out designer outfits from "Vogue" and imagine owning a handbag that cost more than her monthly house payment. My friend called this scrapbook her 'wish book', in an homage to the old Sears catalog that used to come out at Christmas time. Her idea was that she would 'check off' each item as she acquired it. The thing is, as the months turned into years, and the years dragged on, my friend became more and more resentful that she was not checking off more items in her wish book. Her marriage suffered. Her self-esteem crumbled. The wish book became, itself, an insurmountable goal. Because she had chosen to make these unattainable items, that she couldn't be happy without, her perfectly lovely life became the wrong side of the fence. Her wish book, like Dorothy's Oz, became a place that wasn't right for her. It wasn't healthy. And, it wasn't home.

Is it wrong of us to have daydreams, then? I don't believe there is anything wrong with daydreaming. I feel that daydreams are an essential part of creativity. Without daydreams and imagination, there would be no artists, no writers, no scientists making new discoveries. Without engaging in the 'possibilities' part of our brains, we would be deprived of essential thinking skills: lateral thinking and problem solving comes from the same area in the brain that dreams (both waking and sleeping) originate from. We would be unable to solve dilemmas we had never faced before. We would not be able to appreciate traveling to new places or enjoying new experiences, since they would be out of the realm of every day experience. Creative thought is extremely helpful to our society as a whole. It's the greatest daydreamers who have given us some of the greatest accomplishments. Hippocrates, Sir Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin, Isadora Duncan, Charles Dickens, Vincent Van Gogh and Susan B. Anthony were just some the world's greatest daydreamers....and each one of them made an indelible impression for generations after their lifetimes.

But, what about the rest of us? Since I'm neither a great artist, nor a gifted scientist, does daydreaming have any merit for me...an average woman? Absolutely...having a daydream can give hope to us during difficult times.Daydreams, if we can keep them in check, can be a healthy way to relieve stress. In Yoga, we often use a technique called "Guided Meditation". Also called "Guided Imagery", this is defined as "practice in which your imagination is lead on a particular journey with the purpose of achieving healing and realizations through purposeful contemplation and reflection." For many of us, even during yoga classes, it can be difficult to let go of our working mind. One Yogic school of thought calls this the human "monkey mind", always jumping from tree to tree, never focusing on where one is, but always on what's next to do. A guided imagery meditation might involve gentle music, and a teacher to help lead your thought pattern into a predictable, peaceful and nurturing space. Using our imaginations, we can close our eyes and transform a simple yoga studio into a lush tropical oasis, a breathtaking mountaintop, an illuminated night sky or, simply, the place that most says "comfort" to us. I've had many students tell me that, when I ask them to bring forth the image of the place in which they feel the safest, their grandmother's house is first on the list. Evoking the image of a special place, either real or imaginary, can help restore a panicked breath pattern to normalcy and can aid us in our quest to calm our anxieties. Guided meditation may help relieve suffering for cancer patients, women in labor, those suffering from insomnia and mild depression, as well as those who just need a method to leave 'work' at the office.

When I think about flying over the rainbow, I can't help but smile. Imagining a place in which all my dreams come true is a wonderful image. But, the fact is, we still have daily life to deal with. We still need to live in this world, as it right now, at this very moment. We still need to make practical plans for our future, appreciate the blessings we do have and solve the problems that come our way. Daydreaming about being over the rainbow can be fun and relaxing, but if it begins to interfere with one's daily life, that's when we need to establish a firm grasp on what we're evading. Do we really hate our jobs? Are our children driving us batty? Do we have too little money, and too many bills? These are real issues facing most of us. Daydreaming isn't going to solve our issues. As a matter of fact, if we daydream too much, we may find our problems to seem even more insurmountable...just as Dorothy did, when she felt she had to run away from home to keep Toto safe. By working on creative problem solving techniques to work through these issues, as best as humanly possible, our stress level may also go down. Talking about methods to combat my dilemmas with my friends has been incredibly beneficial to me. In my life, my girlfriends often 'see' answers where I am missing them.

The simple fact is, daydreaming is healthy, beautiful and wonderful. It's part of the human experience. Yet, when it comes right down to it, 'there's no place home'...even if home means a busted water heater and an unstable economy. Home can still be two things at once: our sanctuary from harm and a place that holds mountains of laundry to be washed. If we can reconcile these two places within ourselves, we can live fully in reality, but with a creative imagination.

Namaste.

(And for further inspiration, click on the TITLE..."Somewhere over the Rainbow" at the top of this post, to listen to a beautiful rendition of the song...)