Big Families

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. ~Erma Bombeck

I'm an only child. There were times when I did relish this fact. I had my mom and dad all to myself. I didn't have to share them with anybody else. We were the three Musketeers. Life was our adventure. We were a merry little troop of three. And yet, there were a lot of times when three felt too small to me. I was the only Only that I knew. All of my friends had siblings.What began by feeling cozy ended up feeling short changed. As I got older, I began to notice that no one else's mothers drove snazzy little coupes. They all drove station wagons. I saw that other fathers had their hands full with lots of kids. I became obsessed with big families...not just ones with another sibling or two. The families I came to envy were the truly large ones; the ones that other people stopped and stared at. I read, and reread, the "All of a Kind" family books dozens of times. My two favorite old movies were "Yours, Mine and Ours" and "Cheaper by the Dozen". I daydreamed of having scads of brothers and sisters I could share secrets with, argue with, play with and go to bed talking with. My imagination ran overtime as I invented these sibling characters in my head, praying every day that I would wake up as one of six children. Although, this never happened, I did come to have a barn full of horses, enough dogs to pull a dog sled and one exceptionally intelligent Maine Coon cat to round out our family. But, overall, we were a content triangle.

As a new bride, I was excited to begin our family. I looked forward to being a Mommy. I wanted to snuggle babies close and rock them to sleep. I couldn't wait to read books to my little ones. I was overjoyed to think of making Christmas magical for my 'as yet to be' children. I was ecstatic to become cookie baking, carpool driving, Little League cheering on, messy art projects mother. Still, the grass really does look greener on the other side of the fence. My husband and I were not the first in our group of friends to have children, nor were we the last. I saw the long hours of sleepless nights and understood the expenses that amounted with each baby. I also saw mothers "of many" struggling to meet the needs of each child. I knew it could be done, and done well. But, I also knew that we weren't cut out for that type of demand. Jeff and I made the decision to have two children, three at the most. We were absolutely delighted with our son and daughter, and while we were grief stricken over the loss of our third baby, we came to see this as something that was not meant to be. We understood that, for the two of us, pouring our love, attention, affection, effort and resources to the two terrific babies we had made the most sense. Our family was complete. It was the four of us. A square. Symmetrical. My military husband liked to say that we had 'man to man' coverage. We were thankful and content...and we still are.

Yet, the larger family trend has been in the news a great deal lately. The success of shows like "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" (despite the unfortunately public dissolution of marriage), "The Duggar Family", "Table for Twelve" and "Kids by the Dozen" opened up the eyes of a great number of smaller families to the larger families in their midst. News programs, and parenting magazine articles, with titles such as "Is 4 the new 2?","Megafamilies" and "Are Large Families Back?" created buzz

around this trend. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have made newsworthy the thought of expanding large families through adoption. My friends of many children get tired of answering the obvious question "Yes, they're all mine". I have to say that, had I not known women personally who have mothered many, I would have thought it was all a little crazy, despite my childhood fascination. As I struggled to get lunches made for school, make sure the laundry was done, cleaned the house, helped with homework, driven to hockey, soccer, ballet, baseball and sailing, volunteered at book sales, bake sales and raffles, met with teachers for both children and still tried to work on my own projects, the task was daunting. What I've learned from my Megafamily 'sisters' is that they still need to do all of those things....it just requires further planning, a sense of teamwork, and help where they can get it. The television shows, the movies, the pop phenomenon aspect of large families, in some ways, diminishes the magic of it. The women I know who live this life every day do find themselves exhausted, overwhelmed and frustrated. But, they also find immense joy in seeing the specialness of each child's singular uniqueness. These 'not for television' families are the ones who make the loving alchemy happen. These are the moms who are Goddesses. They take the family shape of triangle and square, with which I am familiar, and create hexagons and decagons.

In my yoga classes, I try to balance the male and female elements in our practice. Just as there are male and female nouns in French and Spanish, and one must make the appropriate pronoun use, there are male and female based Asanas, or poses. I try to balance the number of these to create a flowing class that will leave my students feeling both energized and empowered. The Asana that is especially popular for this goal is Goddess. It's a powerful squat with arms raised shoulder height and hands up. I've seen ancient art in the tribal sections of both the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York and the Louvre in Paris that show figures in this same pose. Initially, it makes the yogini feel strong, robust, courageous and mighty. After a few moments, it starts to feel heavy, fatiguing, sapped and burdensome. These are adjectives I've been told by my students, and have felt myself, while practicing Goddess. What fascinates me is that these same adjectives could be applied to motherhood itself, regardless of family size; we begin feeling on top of the world, yet after a while, we find ourselves weary. This helps me to understand that Ancient cultures felt just the same way we do...without the carpooling.

Am I sorry that I'm the mother of 'just two'? Not at all. I cherish my children, and I feel that the family I have is the family I was meant to have. I find myself both ecstatic and worn out with my small tribe. Do I judge people with large families? I don't judge, but I do find them curious and fascinating. I wonder how they manage it all. I respect their efforts and love to see them at work. As I find 'the road less traveled' to be gaining in popularity, I remain confident in my life but passionately curious about their other path.

And, I wish all families, large, small and somewhere in the middle, a very happy holiday season.

Alter Egos

The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind. ~ William James

The use of an alter-ego has long been fuel for fiction, both literary and on film. Where would Batman be without Bruce Wayne? Where would Spiderman be without Peter Parker? Or, even Superman as Clark Kent? These superheroes would be mobbed, swarmed and be unable to function in society without their 'mild mannered' counterparts, masquerading as simple citizens. By having an alter-ego, living the 'normal' life, these superheroes are able to exist undetected by both friend and foe. They're able to listen to others, in the average world around them, and glean information that could prove incredibly helpful in their crime fighting efforts. They might have extraordinary powers, amazing gadgets and unique skill sets, but when it comes right down to the hard facts, being tapped into a social network has its benefits to their superhero lives.

One question has always haunted me, however: is it Superman who needs Clark Kent, or is it the other way around? When I honestly think about the fact of Superman just wanting to be a 'normal newspaper reporter', I have to smile. I imagine that Clark Kent would get awfully bored not being able to fly, not allowing himself to soar high above ground. I would be so bold as to allow myself to think that Clark Kent would not make it without Superman....and that he needs his superhero side to shine. After all...how many people really like Clark Kent just for being the 'nice guy'? Not many. I would imagine that, whatever his protests to the contrary, Clark Kent likes being Superman. He needs to be Superman. It fulfills the essential part of who he's missing. The heroic, well loved, popular, successful part of the man he wants to be *is* Superman.

A film I would have missed entirely, had I not been the mother of a 17 year old son, is "Fight Club", starring Brad Pitt and Edward Norton. This movie is an amazingly complex story, containing twists and turns I never could have predicted. Edward Norton's character is much like the stereotypical "Clark Kent". He's nobody memorable. He lives a dull, meaningless life and has trouble making connections with people. And yet, he meets (or rather, creates) his alter ego, played by Brad Pitt, and he befriends his other self. Where Edward Norton is soft spoken, predictable, conformist and yuppie, Brad Pitt's side of him is brash, bohemian, dangerous and free thinking. The essential aspect of this movie, the piece I found so compelling, was that the alter ego is viewed as a clearly different personification. In a brilliant bit of storytelling writer Chuck Palahniuk creates two distinct lives; both belonging to the same person. This defining difference is clearly what delineates the character of "Tyler Durden" from his fellow alter ego literary figures: Tyler Durden does not realize he is, or has, an alter ego. As Tyler Durden comes to the realization that he is living the lives of two exceptionally different men, he says, in one of my favorite quotes from the film, "People do it everyday, they talk to themselves... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."

The idea of having an alter ego is one that many of us have had from time to time. When I was growing up, I wanted to be Samantha from "Bewitched". I wanted to be able to twitch my nose to cast a spell to solve problems, just as she did. I imagined myself living in a beautiful home, having adorable children, but knowing that, at any moment, I could give my nose a twitch, and have an elegant meal prepared. (I never understood Darren's hatred of Samantha's magic, but that's fuel for another post). Although I can't live as a suburban mother, with a hidden talent, as Samantha did, I do find that being able to write as the Preppy Yogini does give me a hint of what that feeling must be like...to a very small extent. Writing has been my creative outlet, my homage to the people who are far more intelligent and inventive than I am. It has given me my other world to explore....that can grow above my mundane life as a mom and a yoga teacher. I will never be Superman. I will never be Tyler Durden, with an entire separate being living a fantasy life of which I could only imagine. But, I can write hoping to become the embodiment of the traits I most admire.

I understand I will never fly like Superman, twitch my nose like Samantha, or create an entirely separate existence for myself, but I can attempt to be more creative, more inspiring and more thoughtful. I can hope to be kinder, gentler and more patient. By writing, both my blogs and in my fiction work, I'm able to work through all my own short comings, and hopefully, succeed more fully as a human being. If I can write it, I can attempt to be it.

Letting go of labels....

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.-- Lao Tzu

Coming of age during the 1980's was an interesting period of history in which to discover who were as young adults. The classic John Hughes movie, "The Breakfast Club", gave us modern archetypal images presented in pop culture form. Portrayed brilliantly were the Prom Queen, the Jock, the Nerd, the Bad Boy and the Outsider. Each character wore his, or her, role like a costume, or even a second skin. Each actor effectively drew us into see that how each teenager viewed himself, was how he portrayed himself to others. And yet, through the process of self-discovery and the discovery of those around them, the characters were able to shed those labels and to realize that each one of them was far more than the labels they gave themselves...and enacted in daily life. As each character was able to release, layer by layer, the walls she had built up around her, protecting her image, she was able to discover far more about her own potential than she had imagined.

Far too often, we're guilty of this as adults today. We label ourselves with ease: Mother, Teacher, Father, Coach, Sister, Banker, Introvert, Asthmatic, Grief stricken, Salesman. We apply labels that can refer to our station in life, our relationships, our careers, our emotional state of being and our immediate circumstances. Not all labels are negative! In order to define our place in our own world, we need to know where we are at this very moment. We find comfort in being able to describe ourselves at parties as "what we do", by "whose parent we are", "whom we love" or "what our goal is". This type of labeling of ourselves can be extremely reassuring. We are positive of who we are at this very moment, in this very circumstance. With that certainty can come a sense of belonging. Even if we describe ourselves in somewhat negative terms, we still derive comfort from being certain of our place of being.

A few years ago, I had several friends all experiencing painful, heart breaking and spirit crushing divorces at the same time. As much as I tried to assist my friends in seeing them for the beautiful, talented and extraordinary women I knew them to be, they assigned themselves the labels of angry, bitter divorcee, unloved & unlovable woman, and single mother. These labels they clung to were understandable given how much pain they were in. These women were forced to come to terms with a side of life they had never planned on seeing. As someone who loved my friends unconditionally, it broke my heart to see these women limit themselves, and their potential for a fuller life, held back by the labels they were living out. And, yet, those labels were a necessary part of their growth process. In order to move forward from their broken hearts and upended lives, they had to live out being the labels they chose, in order to break free from that mold. Labels do not have to stay with us forever. For most of us, they are a time of learning...a place to 'rest' and establish where are, before we can let go of them to move forward.

One of the most rewarding aspects of my friendships with these three women has been watching them shed those skins of bitter divorcee, let go of their anger, and create magical new lives for themselves. Each one, in various ways, realized the limitations of the labels they had given themselves. Each friend began to see her own life being limited by her anger, her hurt, her rage, her fear and her crushing of her own spirit. Each one came to realize that her life was worth far more than allowing her divorce to determine the course of the rest of her life. Each one began to dig deeper, excavating the journey she wished to take. Ultimately, each woman saw her label of her post-divorce image as being self-limiting, and did not attribute that limiting force to her ex-husband, but to her own beliefs about herself.

At some point in our lives, we are all going to experience a time in which our conceived notions of ourselves are challenged. A job will end. Children will grow up and move out of the house. We lose someone we love. We will move. Simply put, a chapter in our lives will come to an end, challenging us to take a hard look at who we are, and force us to investigate the labels by which we have defined ourselves. This is not an easy process. Even if we aren't happy with the label by which we have built our self-image, who are we, if we aren't that person? One method to help in our growth process is journaling. Keeping a simple notebook by the sides of our beds, in our desk drawer at work, in our purse or anyplace within arm's reach can help us to write down our thoughts as they come up. By writing out our thought processes, positive or negative, we can begin to review them, analyze them, learn from them, and if possible, release them. Just as we need to release anger before we can forgive, we need to release our self-prejudices before we can begin to grow. Getting our thoughts on paper, just for our own benefit and review, can teach us a tremendous amount about where we've been, and where we hope to go in our lives.

As we explore the labels we have given ourselves, we may find that there are far more layers to each one of us than we ever anticipated. We may discover that, lying within each of us is the beauty of the Prom Queen, the confidence of the Jock, the acknowledgement of intelligence of the Nerd, the free spirit of the Bad Boy and fears of the Outsider. By acknowledging each part of our very being, we can move onto something far grander and far more meaningful than any one label.

The Name Game

During the time between the rebellious 1960's and the "Greed is good" culture of the 1980's, the 1970's remained an odd enigma in history. The decade encompassed the "Free to be Me" element it gained from the previous 10 years, and was beginning to show the "It's all about Me" narcissim of the following decade. In junior highs in the late 70's in California, the girls took woodshop and the boys took home economics. (Because of this, my husband still sews better than I do...). It was a period of vast changes of perspective between the changes, brought about by the 60's, becoming permanent or going away. It was a time of growing pessimism about 'older people' knowing what's best for younger, and the older people learning to be comfortable with that concept in a way they weren't ten years before. It was a time of 'back to nature' meets 'all about the future'. Fashions had everything from Little House on the Prairie inspired granny dresses to the beginning of spandex.

When I was in middle school (then called Junior High) in southern California, in keeping with this spirit of change, there was a blizzard of name changes amongst girls my age. Many girls had grown up with traditional names, such as Katherine and Anne. These girls rebelled by changing their names to more exotic fare, such as Gypsy (inspired by Fleetwood Mac) and Sutton (predating the last-name-first trend to come). The girls whose hippie parents had lovingly bestowed upon them the types of names they wish they'd had themselves, such as Rainbow and Sunshine , rebelled against those very Bohemian tendencies, and annointed themselves more common fare, such as Allison and Tracy.

The counselors of the day advised parents to let these 12 to 14 year olds make these decisions...that they were important to their daughters' self-expression and self-esteem. The parents were certain they would do more harm than good by not allowing their daughters this critical decision in their own identity. Bohemian or Traditional, parents were cautioned that not allowing the change to occur could be detreminental to their daughters' well being. And, so, the Harmony's became Heather's, almost overnight.

Having been given a common name, so common I was always attaching my last initial when I signed my papers, I was somewhere in nowoman's land: my name neither marked me as hopelessly old fashioned, nor did it gain me notoriety in its difference and 'authenticity'. As usual, I felt in the middle. If I had thought of changing my name, it simply never progressed past the pondering stage, but it was fascinating to come to school, and almost every week, find an old friend refuse to answer to anything but her 'new' name. It confused me in the sense that one even could change her name. I wasn't particularly thrilled with mine, in 8th grade, but I certainly didn't invest enough in it to think up a new one. And, as fads like these go, the "Name Game" of the late 70's fizzled out.

It did surprise me, years later, when my own middle school age children expressed frustration at their 'boring' names. Neither one felt as if I had given any thought to what I'd named them. Obviously, this couldn't be further from the truth. But, I came to see that the act of rebelling against one's very name is simply a developmentally appropriate stage that many young teens go through. Since I am not a 1970's pop psychology mother, I told my children that they were absolutely welcome to change their names, legally, to Talon and Mimi...after their respective 18th birthdays. Like the typical mother of the New Millenium that I am, I gave them freedom to make that choice...just not right away. I wonder how many of the girls from my class would have changed their minds, had they simply waited until adulthood.

One's name is an extremely personal form of identity. People still change their names for a variety of reasons: a change in religion, marital status or belief system. Marshal McLuhan wrote, "The name of a man is a numbing blow from which he never recovers." Clearly, his perspective was one of antagnosim at the parental naming process. And yet, of course, William Shakespeare wrote, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet." The great Bard and I are in agreement that we are who we are, regardless of whether our names are bland, bold, or somewhere in the middle.

As for me, I am content with the Japanese proverb, "Words have meaning and names have power, but only if we allow them to."

Predictions

February 2nd was Groundhog’s Day here in the United States. It’s the day that Punxsutawney Phil gets hauled out of his burrow and is required to see his shadow. Or not. And, based on this overblown and unscientific method, six more weeks of winter is either predicted. Or not. Given the fact that I live in Maine, where Spring is a stealth season, the point is actually moot. What does amaze me, however, is the amount of coverage this event attracts. It’s the hot topic in the news, on blogs, and even in schools. It was a movie, that’s cited each year as a marvelous story about “reliving events over and over until you finally get them right”. Not to sound like Ebeneezer Scrooge, but “Bah! Humbug!”. I am a strong believer in Christmas, and the Christmas message. I am a strong believer in the call to love others as ourselves. But, predictions based on a groundhog’s shadow make me realize how much we are a people who need to believe in something, even if it’s simply an earlier Spring.

I have nothing personally against Punxsutawney Phil. He’s just a cute furry creature whose hibernation is disturbed by frenzied camera crews. I would just like to see the same kind of coverage over the every day, small miracles that we happen in our midst without us even knowing about them. The media has been filled with dire predictions: the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the spiraling down economy, the job loss rate, the home foreclosures and 1 in 3 teen drop out rate from school. There are animals who, unlike Punxsutawney Phil, are beaten and starved and neglected. And yet, there are quiet, humble miracles that happen every day, to help create a world that will include much bigger blessings than a shortened Winter season.

Joshua James Lapp, age 16, saved his elderly neighbor from an overwhelming fire. He heard her cries for help and climbed in her window into the dense smoke. Although nearly overwhelmed by smoke inhalation, and covered in lacerations to his arms, Joshua was able to save both of them, as well as another building resident. He did this without thought to his own safety. In a world in which teenagers are maligned and marginalized, Joshua’s actions were both extraordinary and wonderful. His name was released with his prestigious Carnegie Hero award, and yet few had heard of him before this. He is a hero, and he created a miracle, but quite literally caring for his neighbors as he would himself.

Best Friends Animal Sanctuary creates quiet miracles every single day. Although based in Utah, Best Friends reaches their mission nationally to inform and educate people on animal care, as well as to provide rescue missions for animals in dire situations. Some of the miracles this organization performs appear on their program, “Dogtown” on the National Geographic Channel. One of the stories that touched my heart was that of Tuffy, a nearly dead Dalmatian mix who was attacked by starving other dogs at a hoarding situation of 100 dogs abandoned in the Nevada desert. Against all odds, this “toughie” not only survived by thrived. His caregivers were incredible, and his foster father, Jeff, was a true hero, loving Tuffy back to life. The most heroic part of all was Jeff’s giving Tuffy to his new adoptive family, a healed and loved dog.

None of these stories make it to the front pages in the same way that bad news, or Punxsutawney Phil does. But, these beautiful stories of quiet miracles are a much better ‘prediction’ of what we, as human beings, are capable of. Winter will turn into Spring, both metaphorically and literally. But, we, ourselves, can help generate our own predictions for a better world by our own choice of actions: to be a heroic, to be humble, to be kind and most of all, to think of others before ourselves. I believe that’s a much better predictor of our future “climate”.

Don't let it in the house!

(Note: I originally posted this on the Clutter Club blog, but thought it would be fun to share here, as well.)

I'm a history buff, especially when it comes to pop culture. I can picture snippets from almost every decade and can easily imagine myself as a 1920's Flapper or a 1940's USO girl. But, when it comes to classic movies, I have to say that the 1950's were a great time for exploration on film. Nothing seemed to capture this moment in filmography better than the Monster Movies of the 50's. We can all easily picture James Dean and Natalie Wood from this era. But, we can just as easily envision the "Creature from the Black Lagoon" and "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". Although I wasn't born until the mid-60's, I remember staying up to watch the "Creature Feature" on Friday night television, where these classics would be replayed. One question I always asked myself was, "Why do they let the monster in the house?"

I think we can ask the same question of ourselves about clutter. Why do we let it in the house? We try so hard to stay on top of our mess, to create an organized system and to maintain a sense of structure in our daily lives. But, we turn around, and like a monster from an old scary movie with bag masks, there it is! The Clutter Monster has snuck in again! It comes in with stacks of mail, in our carry bags from the day's events and from duplicating things we already have.

This said, I have a secret weapon against the Clutter Monster:the trash can! The best way for me to get control of clutter is not to go into the house with it. When I come home, I walk right over to the trash can in the garage. I look through my mail, and unless it's a bill or something important, I pitch it right away. (If you live in a place that recycles junk mail: Mazel Tov! Just put it into your recycling bin.) I also make a point of going through my tote bag, the car, and anything else that might make its way into the house and evaluate

it quickly. Does this really need to come inside? Is it actually trash? Unless it's something that's critical, or will need to be used soon, I will either pitch it, recycle it or put it in a 'give away' bin that I keep next to the trash can. When I go to the dump every week (for those of you who don't have curbside pick up---it's a northern New England ritual), I also stop off at the local charity shop, and drop off my give aways then.

Another great way to keep the Clutter Monster at bay is to have a "one comes in, one goes out" policy. We all have plenty of clothes, shoes, books, and other miscellaneous items in my family. I have instituted a policy of "If you buy a new one, then one like item must be given away." Not only does this help with truly thinking about 'replacement' as opposed to 'aquisition', but it's a great way to keep full closets from getting out of control. I know that if I really need a new black sweater, then one needs to go to "Heavenly Threads", the church's thrift shop. This 'one comes in, one goes out' also applies to my formerly overstocked pantry. I am blessed with a walk-in pantry the size of small room. This blessing led to overcrowding to the point that I didn't know what I had, and was buying yet another box of Rigatoni, when there were already three on the shelf that I simply couldn't see. Now, I make my food shopping lists based on what's 'going out' in the trash.

The Clutter Monster is sneaky. It likes to tiptoe in when you least expect it. But, stopping it in its tracks, by not letting it in the house in the first place, can be one way to keep clutter at bay.

Cabin Fever

Global warming policies and issues aside, we are seeing record low temperatures in much of the northern states right now. As a matter of fact, arctic winds are prevailing leaving states from the Midwest to New England with temps dipping as low -40 in some places. The air is so bone chillingly frosty, that it’s almost impossible to take a full breath into our lungs without experience lung pain outdoors. For most of us, with the exception of my clueless dogs and a few hardy ice fishermen, this means more time inside. It means we'll be drinking warm beverages, cozying up to the fire, piling on extra blankets and keeping an eye on the thermostat. It can also signal preheating our cars before we leave the house and pulling as many layers as we can before we begin to resemble Stay-Puft marshmallow men.

Living in northern climates for most of my life, I've grown accustomed to making these concessions in winter. After all, people who are enjoying temps in the 70's now, will be baking in July, while here in Maine, we'll be quite comfortable. We have learned that a trade off is necessary, in order to 'enjoy' the time later. We've made the made the best of the situation, and we've become pretty good sports about it.

However, being indoors for long periods of time, can also come with it the downside of feeling blue. There are times we may feel slightly depressed or withdrawn, or simply "not like ourselves". We find that we're smiling less, and we're snarky with those we love. In short, we find ourselves with a nasty case of cabin fever. We daydream of long summer days, in which we can sit outside, far past 8 PM, still enjoying the warmth of the rays. We imagine taking off to the Caribbean, where we'll want for nothing, but some sunscreen and a rum drink, served in a pineapple. We contemplate ways to disappear inside our own homes, just for a moment of privacy.

In all honesty, while a little day dreaming can be both therapeutic and soothing, too much can lead to even more feelings of entrapment this time of year. So, how do we combat the Winter Blues? What do we do when jetting off to the Virgin Islands simply isn't an option? Obviously, for people with serious feelings of loss and depression, visiting a doctor is necessary. There are many treatments to help fight S.A.D. available now. Yet, for the rest of us, what's to be done?

Many studies have shown vigorous exercise, at least 3 times per week, can change a person's outlook remarkably. While running on icy surfaces is neither safe nor desirable (for breathing reasons, as well as prevention of slipping), many schools, YMCA's and health clubs offer indoor tracks, Elliptical machines, Stairmasters, rowing machines, and a wide range of classes to get your blood moving...and kick your endorphins into high gear. It can certainly be a challenge to get up and out, and yet, once you make this your 'vacation to yourself', you will find that your perspective can change drastically. In addition, eating plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables can also help boost your immune system, and give you a much needed burst of 'good' energy. My favorite winter foods are Risotto and Ravioli: both heavy in the starch category. I am not depriving myself of them, but just being mindful that too much starch can also trigger feelings of sadness. Also, because I teach Yoga all week long, I would have thought myself immune to the Winter Blues. I've discovered that I'm just as susceptible to these feelings of angst as the next woman...when I'm not directly practicing Yoga. My answer has been to begin running. My daughter has made me CD's to run to, and before I know it, I've done a few miles on the indoor track while embarrassingly singing to the Black Eye'd Peas.

So, if you can't fly to Mexico, and if a vacation to Hawaii is out of the question, take special care with your diet and exercise. I realize this is not rocket science nor ground breaking advice. And, yet, when we really focus on those areas we can control, it's amazing how much better we can feel. It's hard not to focus on what we can't do...feel warm, enjoy sunshine and not have to worry about the state of our snow tires. But, by using on our energy on positive outlooks during this time of year, we can make Cabin Fever somewhat less pervasive.

When all else fails, make a Pina Colada, put on some cool jazz, and watch an old DVD of "Romancing the Stone". Just make sure you make it to the gym tomorrow.

Now you've listened to my story,

Here's the point that I have made:

Chicks were born to give you fever,

Be it Fahrenheit or Centigrade.

They give you fever

When you kiss them

Fever if you live and learn

Fever! 'till you sizzle

what a lovely way to burn... Peggy Lee's immortal version of "Fever"

Men are from Mars. Women are from wherever they can get five minutes peace.

The balance of power in my house has shifted. For the past fourteen years, we have been evenly divided between male and female energy. Even though my son was just barely 2 when my daughter was born, we still seemed to be equally balanced because I had all the female pets on my side. Not to mention, that a toddler, even one who learns to make car vroom sounds before he speaks, still loves his Mommy in a way that doesn’t shift until he realizes that she can embarrass him at the hockey rink by calling out “Shoot, Honey Buns, Shoot!”.

With the leaving of my daughter to prep school 4 ½ hours away, I am now outnumbered in my home. Please don’t get the wrong idea. I adore my wonderful husband and my now 16 year old son is growing up to be a fine young man. However, there are times when I feel like the odd “man” (pun fully intended) out. It wasn’t expecting it but the situation just seemed to sneak up on me, as if I awoke and the entire planet had been taken over by aliens. The problem was that I happened to love these aliens and gave birth to one of them. It started with little things…..the TV permanently fixed to the NHL network, toilet seats being left up and a lot of sports equipment being shed around the house. Then, it progressed to our meal choices moving in the direction of meat and potatoes, almost exclusively, and annoyed eyeball rolls when I suggested chicken and big salads. Finally, it’s emerged as a whole new male bonding ritual that involves a vocabulary I simply don’t understand, much less speak. These involve grunts, short hand phrases and insults (like “Sieve”) that are simply beyond my level of comprehension.

In reality, I do realize that I’m incredibly blessed. I have healthy children, and a husband that deeply loves me, despite his annoyed comments of “Why do you put green stuff on my plate ? You know I don’t like it.” I have reached the point of melting down at them, but it never works…they simply give me the look as if to say “Treat her gently…she’s likely to blow a gasket”. I have politely, and gently, requested explanations of what they’re discussing. Most of the time, I simply don’t ‘get’ their “Dummies for Hockey” (or military history, or cars, or other guy stuff) versions, which only frustrates them more. Little by little, I’m learning to adjust my own way of thinking, to appreciate the little gestures of peace they do make (such as Josh bringing me home my favorite coffee and Biscotti) and to appreciate them as completely different species of animals. I am learning to approach these interesting, frustrating, funny and confusing men I live with as Jane Goodall would approach a new family of chimpanzees: with quiet respect, sitting and observing and not stepping in before I realize what I’m talking about. I had no idea I’d end up an anthropologist in my own home. But, the approach is helping me process their moods and behaviors, as well as deepening my own understanding of testosterone. My mom once told me, “Never respond in anger, and never take anything personally”. I’m repeating that as my mantra every day. It also helped that she told me this when we were the overwhelming force in my growing up home: it was the two of us women, our three female dogs, and my poor dad with all that female energy.

The fact is, men and women do process things differently. We respond differently to the same situations and we react differently to the identical stimuli. In Yoga, I try to offer poses that will balance the “male and female” or, Yin and Yang, energy in the class. Therefore, in addition to offering the traditional male based Warrior poses, I always to counter that pose with Female Warrior, or Goddess. This seems to not only bring a sense of completeness into our class period, but also to our bodies and inner natures. I also feel much clearer when I add these wonderful poses into our practice…and into my daily life.

For now, my life may not surrounded in femininity, but I also know my own limits. If I find myself cranky or short tempered, simply because the men are being men (and not intentionally rude), I realize I can remove myself from the situation. I can take a hot bubble bath, make a nice cup of tea, or a write a blog article to channel my thoughts. I can talk to a friend, paint my toenails and slip into another room to watch “When Harry Met Sally”. In short, I can create my own girl world in Manville. It’s not always easy, but hopefully, I will be able to decipher their language before long. And, short of that, perhaps I can teach them mine.

On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars. ~Bruce Willis, on the difference between men and women

Keep, Sell, Give

As I begin the process of decluttering our house, I realize that it’s not always an easy process. I look at a room, or even a corner, and I get overwhelmed, not knowing where to begin. Using the tricks of the trade from HGTV’s show, “Mission Organization”, I’m beginning by using the process of KSG. It’s not a secret Russian spy organization, but an acronym for “Keep, Sell, Give”. As I go through a space the first time, I immediately out anything that’s trash. That’s the first part of sorting. If something is broken, missing parts, cracked, chipped or otherwise useless, it goes straight to the rubbish or recycling bins. Then, comes the tricky part: how do I decide what to do with the rest ?

The first letter in the acronym, K, is my husband’s favorite of this trio of organizational tools: Keep. The terrific guy I’ve shared my life with for more than two decades is a pack rat. He is descended from a long and proud line of pack rats. As my husband grew up, nothing that was salvageable was ever gotten rid of. Things could be fixed, reused, stored and pulled out ‘just in case’. I have to say that a part of me admires this recycling attitude because nothing ever goes to waste. The problem becomes when the saved items overgrow your house and take over your barn (or your attic or your basement). Even if they’re organized into a somewhat cohesive way, if we really want to cut down on the stuff that we have, even ‘tidy junk’ is still junk. So, I ask myself, and my beloved, these questions “Will we ever use it again?”, “When?” and “Why?”. Most of the time, these are easy questions to figure out. But, if you find yourself wondering why you possibly need 22 fleece blankets, with various logos on them, or four sets of china dinnerware, you may want to move onto purging those items that would be wonderful and helpful….to someone else in their house.

The next letter is S: for Sell. Most of us have items that we simply don’t use, but do have intrinsic value to them. If you have collectibles or other pieces of value, make sure you get an appraisal from a dealer, or really research your item’s value. It’s only in very rare cases that the average family has items that should be sold through a dealer. Having a lawn sale, posting items in classifieds (such as Craig’s list) or selling them on eBay can help you weed out, while you make some money in the process. It’s not likely you will get full purchase price back, but in my humble opinion, something that is sitting, unused in a basement or cabinet, is not making any better of a return. So, price your items wisely, but to sell. You can use the money you make to pay off debt, plan a trip, or buy organizational equipment for the items you’ve kept.

Finally, we come to G: Give...the aspect closest to my heart. Not everyone needs a set of leaded crystal wine glasses or a porcelain figurine. But, everyone needs shoes, warm coats, clothing in reasonable good shape, and yes, those fleece blankets. Even used, but still serviceable, furniture, lamps and kitchen equipment can go to a home where people have lost everything. There is so much need in our world. There are single mothers who have fled from dangerous homes. There are families displaced by natural disasters. There are those who simply need a way to help themselves. I truly believe that it’s selfish to hoard items we honestly don’t need when there are simple ways we can donate them to those who truly do. So, get that old sofa out of the basement, and donate it to Goodwill. Go through your clothing, and especially, your children’s clothing, and donate to an organization like Planet Aid. Many local churches and community centers also run programs in conjunction with Habitat for Humanity and Dress for Success, and can directly aid local families with your donations. So, think of decluttering as a form of loving your neighbor, too. It's with yoga's open sense to the needs of others, that you can give these items away, and feel positive about your choice to do so.

With the KSG acronym in mind, you can’t fail. Look at the big picture of your home. Then, look at one room. Then look at one corner. By focusing on each of these means to better take control of your home, you will be able to start fresh…and not end up running in circles. With the trash gone first, you can best evaluate the rest of your problem areas. Once your sell and give piles are taken care of, you can focus on organizing the keep items. It's amazing how much space you will find when you get rid of the things you simply don't need.

"Mom, I can't find my shoes!" "Did you look in your closet?" ~ My house on a daily basis

We are the champions!

When I was in high school, our sports teams came out to Queen‘s “We will rock you”, followed by “We are the champions”, before every game. To this day, when I hear the combination of these pop songs, I still can’t help but be filled with pride, excitement and a sense of belief in something larger than myself. Obviously, these rock anthems aren’t hymns, nor are they patriotic. But, for those of us who came of age during “a certain era”, the songs themselves can fill us completely with a sense of anything being possible, and that victory is surely within our reach, if only we work hard enough. It’s no wonder I have both of these songs on my playlist, to listen to while I exercise. I’m sure I’ve received my share of funny glances as I jog around the track at the Y, attempting not to belt out an off-key imitation of Freddy Mercury. And yet, when I’m jogging, and listening to “We are the champions”, it simply fills me with a sense of empowerment to know that, even though I’m only jogging inside, on a snowy day, I have the possibility to accomplish whatever my goals are. I have the potential to be a champion.


I just finished a book in which this point is beautifully accomplished. “The Art of Racing in the Rain” by Garth Stein is a magical story. The protagonist is Enzo, an extraordinary dog, who is the companion to a Formula One race car driver. With racing as the metaphor throughout the story, Enzo relates to us, his views on what living on Earth has meant, his belief that a dog is the highest form of enlightened being, next to man, and what the heart of a true champion believes. This is not a silly story, but a dignified one, and it moved me deeply regarding Enzo’s life lessons about true championship. Enzo relates to us that a true champion is a good listener, loves others will all his heart, believes in those he loves, keeps his eye on the next turn, never gives up and always finishes the race. There is no dishonor, nor lack of championship if one doesn’t win the race at hand…only in quitting, giving up and letting our fears overtake us during the hardest times of our lives. Because I’m a dog lover, of course, this is a novel that would be appealing to me. However, the grander theme of inner strength was what held me in rapt attention until the very end.

This lends the question: “What IS a champion?”. Is it the woman who climbs the corporate ladder, breaking gender barriers ? Is it the man who, despite his own paralysis, rescues others around him ? Could it be the much lauded professional athlete, who begins an important charitable foundation? Or, is it the single mother, who despite the odds, raises her children, earns her degree and succeeds beyond her own socio-economic barriers ? I submit that these people are all champions. While I applaud those who complete the Appalachian trail hike, those who play on title winning teams and those who set world records, I must say that I believe the greatest sense of championship lies within our internal accomplishments, and not without. I respect and honor people who have dreamed, and finished amazing feats, but I would also speculate that each of those men and women find their inner growth to have been the greatest achievement of all.

During the Yoga classes I teach, I always try to include Warrior II asana. This empowering pose is an amazing blend of physical strength and mental focus. The longer the Yogini holds the pose, the greater the benefit to her body and mind’s attunement, strength and agility. I have found there to be a profound change of many of my students who practice the Warrior series of asanas regularly. One of the greatest challenges I have had, in Yoga classes as a student, was when my own teacher had us hold Warrior for more than 15 minutes. Beyond the ache in my shoulders, and the burn in my quads, I found my mind to wander. My biggest challenge was to remain focused and “in the practice”, rather than allowing my thoughts to drift from ‘This really hurts’ to ‘I wonder what I’ll make for dinner?’ to ‘I really like Tammie’s yoga top’ and back to ‘This really hurts even more !’. Yet, when we were done, I had never felt so empowered in class before.

I invite each of you to look inside yourselves and ask “What IS a champion ?”. Brainstorm on this subject in your heart and in your life. Find out what you value in champions, and what championship really means in grand scheme of life's current direction. Most of all, remember that championship is ultimately not about the blue ribbons or medals. It’s about inner strength, power and joy in all circumstances. The heart of a champion does not always rest in glory. Championship lies in finishing the race with honor.

It's easy to have faith in yourself and have discipline when you're a winner, when you're number one. What you got to have is faith and discipline when you're not a winner. ~ Vince Lombardi

Eight

When my friend, Marcia, posted this on her knitting blog, I begged her to let me copy it! What a great idea! And, of course, being me…I immediately thought of a wonderful book called “ The Eight” by Katherine Neville. It’s a twist-and-turn mystery, set during the French Revolution, with a dash of DaVinci Code throne in for good measure. It’s not a new book, but one definitely worth your time.

And now, on with the great 8 survey:

8 TV shows I watch :

1. Weeds

2. Entourage
3. John & Kate Plus 8 (that even works with the survey!)
4. House Hunters
5. Most shows on the Travel channel
6. Rachel Ray
7. The Ghost Whisperer
8. Whichever New England sports team happens to be competing..and I don’t have the remote.

8 of My Favorite Restaurants (I have too many favorites to name them all):

1. Waterfront Restaurant, Camden ME
http://www.waterfrontcamden.com/

2. The Edge, Camden, ME
http://innatoceansedge.com/dining/index.php

3. Francine’s, Camden, ME
http://www.francinebistro.com/

4. Brevetto, Camden, ME
http://www.downeast.com/The-Maine-Mouth/May-2008/The-Scoop-Brevetto-Kitchen-Wine-Bar-in-Camden/

5. The Youngtown Inn, Lincolnville, ME
http://www.youngtowninn.com/

6. Café Miranda, Rockland, ME
http://www.cafemiranda.com/

7. Suzuki Japanese Cuisine, Rockland, ME
http://www.suzukisushi.com/
8. Chez Michel, Lincolnville, ME

8 Things that happened Yesterday

1. A big section of our fence fell down for no apparent reason.

2. Murphy tried to climb the section of the fence and got stuck.

3. My dishwasher, newly replaced with a new computer chip, began making hissing noises as if it was now possessed by demons.

4. I emailed Caroline at school three times and talked to my mom twice.

5. I watched the news obsessively about the Santa Barbara fires, since I spent a great part of my childhood there.

6. I read three chapters in Margot Livesy’s new book.
7. I made Risotto, and ate almost all of it myself.
8. I took the dogs for a very long walk in the mist to work off the risotto.

8 Things I am looking forward to:

1. Caroline coming home for Thanksgiving!

2. Picking out the tree and decorating it.

3. Finding a new job…hopefully soon.

4. Always beginning a new book.

5. Going to Arizona in the Spring.

6. Celebrating my 22nd wedding anniversary, albeit quietly.

7. My next yoga class.

8. The first snow !

8 things on my wishlist:

1. A new fence ! ;-)

2. The perfect butter leather soft black boots.

3. Gloves that can’t be lost.

4. A Kindle e-reader.

5. World peace tied with a really good haircut ;-).

6. Teens who don’t argue.

7. Good health for all of my family and friends.

8. A trip to Ireland.

8 Things I love:

1. My husband and our children.

2. My mom.

3. My cousins, Jeff’s family, and our dear friends.

4. Our wild & crazy pets.

5. Dunkin’ Donuts raspberry coffee, light.

6. GPS…I am no longer lost all the time.

7. Fresh sourdough bread.

8. The first snow !

8 things I can't stand:

1. Traffic and long lines.

2. Watching the news and knowing I can’t do a thing about it.

3. Reality TV, other than the ones I listed.

4. People who don’t like animals.

5. Bland food.

6. Wet socks on a cold day.

7. The wrong pillow.

8. Mean people.

8 People I am tagging:

1. I don’t know if enough people follow my blog to name ! So, jump on do this too, if you’re a reader and think it’s fun !

2. ?

3. ?

4. ?

5. ?

6. ?

7. ?

8.?

"The name is Bond. James Bond."

“The name is Bond. James Bond.” I don’t think any catch phrase from any movie has had the kind of staying power that those six words--six syllables even---have had. The first James Bond picture, “Dr. No”, premiered in 1962, three and a half years before I was born. And, yet, I could probably recite the script word for word. One of my earliest memories is that of going to the drive in, in my pajamas, while my parents watched “Diamonds are forever”. I remember fixating on the idea of James Bond…whether played by Sean Connery or the newest Bond, Daniel Craig…as being the archetype for the uber cool, dangerously chic Englishman. I realize that every Bond fan has a ‘favorite Bond’, but honestly, I think each actor has made the role his own, and has stepped into the very large shoes of the very large character.

So, what is it about James Bond that makes every woman swoon, and every man want to be him? Is it the impeccable Saville Row wardrobe? Or the extraordinary cars? What about those unbelievably ‘imagineered’ gadgets that Q seems to come up with next? I believe that all of these are true, and yet, there is more to the appeal of James Bond than dapper dinner jackets, witty come backs and the latest Aston-Martin. There is the mythology of a strong man, doing his best to save the world, and coming up against incredible odds. Despite the fact that I’m a particularly “girly girl”, even I’ve always wondered how I would fare pitted some of Bond’s nemeses. I think it’s fun to imagine crossing intellectual paths with Goldfinger or testing my strength against Jaws….or even what holding a Walther PPK would feel like in my hands…and I’m pro-gun control. Because good always does prevail in Bond movies, you know that Bond will always triumph. And, through him, we can envision our own triumphs against unseen, wicked forces. It’s a very powerful feeling to be able to put yourself into a place of complete surrender to a noble cause. And, through James Bond, we can do this in our pajamas with a DVD without ever having to leave the safety of home, thanks to Netflix. Those villains can devise complicated assassinations and challenging scenarios for maximum destruction, and we can defeat them…from the safety of our local movie theatre, or even our own living rooms.

Good against evil has been the earliest told story. The snake appearing in the Garden of Eden. Cain and Abel. Pharoah and Moses. The Romans persecution of the early Christian church. But our Judeo-Christian traditions aren’t our only source for Good Vs. Evil culturally. Almost every civilization has this same theme in its roots. In South America, the ancient god Mayan Guinechen fights the evil god Guecufu in a never ending battle for the enternal safety of the universe. In ancient Persia, the Zoroastrian concept of good and evil came in the form of Ahura Mazda and his twin, Angra Mainyu. According to texts, these brothers fight for the souls, the safety and the very nature of the universe. Globally, we are human beings eager for understanding the conflict, and the concepts of good and evil. We believe that by understanding the conflict, we can overcome it. When it comes right down to it, I am just as afraid of evil as the next woman. But, I have a deep and abiding faith that all will well in the end. I believe this is one reason why James Bond has such a strong appeal. James Bond, as we know, is far from perfect, but he always triumphs, no matter how dire his circumstances appear to be.

In Yoga, one of the reasons I enjoy practicing inversions is the sense of mastery over gravity. Inversions are incredible for your body in many ways: they help improve circulation and the immune system, as well as assist in overcoming sleep disorders. Shoulder stand is an incredibly empowering pose. I try to offer it at least once a week in my classes. In shoulder stand, the yogini is required not to look to either side but straight up, against the flow of nature. One’s core strength is built, as well as one’s sense of accomplishment and confidence. Shoulder stand literally sets one apart from the usual ‘stand on your feet’ posture. It’s an overcoming of the laws of nature, as we know them, and it’s all within our control. I have to admit that the first time I attempted shoulder stand, it was not a pretty sight. My shoulders felt unbalanced, my belly felt weak and my legs began to shake. I was sure the entire class would point and laugh. But, within a very short time, I discovered this was one of my favorite asanas. Not only does it feel great for your back and core, but it always leaves you with a heady feeling of triumph. Although I’ve been practicing Yoga for many years now, I still want to come out of shoulder stand and clap in victory!

Like James Bond, we all have the possibility to accomplish "good" over a wrong in our lives. It’s unlikely we’ll need to speed away in a car chase on the French Riviera, but every day we’re presented with choices. Some are ‘small evils’…such as having that caffeine late in the day. Others are big ones…such as overcoming addiction. But, we are all faced with the inevitable consequences of our actions. How we decide to choose good will be an individual decision. And, goodness, as a choice, is not always easy. But, when you’re pressed to do what’s ‘easy’, as opposed to what’s ‘right’, imagine yourself to be James Bond: strong, powerful and able to overcome all difficult scenarios. Look deep into your character and ask yourself, “Is it right or is it wrong?” before making your decision.

And, then, hop into your Alfa Romeo and drive away into the sunset…or better yet, to see the “Quantum of Solace”.

Opposite Day

Sponge Bob Square Pants, “great philosopher” of Nickelodeon cartoons, is actually quit funny for adults. I realize that a classically trained yoga teacher should probably consider Sponge Bob “beneath her”, but in all honesty, I like Sponge Bob. He makes me laugh. And, since TV largely consists of bad news that I can do very little to change, now and then it just fun to be silly. With Sponge Bob. Great theatrical imagery it’s not. But, sometimes, silliness overrides quality. In one of my favorite Sponge Bob episodes, the characters celebrate Opposite Day. If you normally say “Good morning !”, you would instead say “Have a crappy day !” If you have a cat that normally meows, it will bark instead. If you usually walk on your feet to work, you might try walking on your hands. It’s pure silliness, and obviously, these examples are cartoon inspired.

But, what would you do if you could create a real Opposite Day in your own life ? Imagine the possibilities ! If you are normally a shy person, you could make a point to be very outgoing…knowing that you’re putting on a “character”. If you’re overwhelmed and frustrated by your daily grind, you could cut out every single thing that makes you grumpy, and turn yourself into the picture of Serenity personified. It’s Opposite Day, so you would have permission to simply unload those commitments that overwork you. What about an exceptionally peppy person….like myself ? I’ve often thought about just making myself take a day to simply slow down and listen, as opposed to barreling over (and through) my day. If you normally dress very conservatively, perhaps you could spice your look up a bit. I’m not advocating going from Amish Schoolmarm to Lady of the Evening. But, look at some current magazines, think about getting a new haircut, or wearing an outfit that says “Hello !”, rather than fading into the background. By the same token, if you have a full force sense of style that is up on every trend, think about toning it down for just one day…dressing a bit more conservatively and reining in that overabundant look. You may be surprised by the reaction you receive to these changes. When George Constanza, a 90’s character on “Seinfeld”, made every single decision to the opposite of his normal choices, all of his dreams came true: he moved out of his parents’ house, found a girl to fall in love with and was hired by the New York Yankees for his dream job !

Opposite day actually has the potential to bring you great freedom. Because you are only making these choices for *one* day, you have a world of opposite possibilities open to you. I have long thought about offering my Yoga class in an Opposite Day format. I discussed this with my students today, and they loved the idea. We’re going to try it next week….we’ll be doing our usually Ashtanga based routine, but we’ll begin in Savasana, and end with Sun Salutations. I’m sure Yoga purists would be horrified. But, the fact is, everyone needs a little silliness in their life. The world can get awfully serious, especially during the times we live in. If something like Opposite Day helps break the monotony, I say “carry on !” The truth is, like George Constanza, we may actually learn to make some good decisions this way. By going in an opposite direction, we may end up in a wonderful new place. We may find that “shaking things up” is exactly what we needed to get a kick start in a new direction…even if it’s an opposite one. Ruts happen to the best of us, but Opposite Day may just be one way to shake us out of that rut. If nothing else, Opposite Day can be a lot of fun.

So, eat spaghetti for breakfast, serve French toast for dinner, and think about saying a hearty “Good morning !” to the person at work who is snarky to you. It’ll bring a smile to your face. And, you can wear pajamas to the market, just this once. After all, it’s Opposite Day !